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[Agent 17]

This is a thread devoted to my amazingly popular "Hitman: Miami" plot and missions. Since I'm going to be writing many, many, many more of these plots (until I get through the whole game in my head), I decided that I should get this all out of the "Funny Mission Ideas" thread, where I felt it was being hidden too much.

Anyway, I'm going to repost the first three installments of the series, and then post my latest mission, "Anathema Revisted."

For the uninitiated, "Hitman: Miami" is my own kind of idea for "Hitman 3," and is filled with all sorts of goofy nonsense, psychotic happenings, and satire on the previous "Hitman" titles.

Anyway, here we go! Enjoy!

(Note to moderators: Don't even try to say that reposting this is some kind of unallowed spamming, because even if I was trying to bump up my post count, I think that the effort that went into these posts is enough to justify what I'm doing)

EDIT: Made this post look sharp, with that graphic and all.

--Agent 17

[Edited on 6/12/03 by Agent 17]

[Agent 17]

HITMAN: MIAMI
MISSION 1: THE BEACH HOUSE

The screen is black. Slowly and ominously, the word "MIAMI" appears in scary letters, on the black. In the background, the opening beats of "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" can be heard. The letters fade out as the blackness splits to reveal 47 cruising through downtown Miami in a red sports car, wearing a blue floral print shirt and sunglasses. A bag of groceries sits in the passenger seat next to him.

After a short driving scene, 47 abruptly pulls into the driveway of a ranch house that overlooks the nearby beach. He slams on the brakes, and dust flies through the air.

LOADING SCREEN IMAGE: 47 sitting in a lawn chair on the beach, wearing his usual suit, and not the floral print shirt. Although the entire beach is sunny, 47 is in completely in shadow, for some reason. On his lap is his trusty laptop, which illuminates his suit and tie with a green glow.

47 opens his car door and steps out, holding the groceries. A side door of the house opens to reveal 47's new wife-- the hooker from Hong Kong and Japan, wearing a blue bathrobe, and, very possibly, nothing under it.

MRS. 47
Oh, 47, let me help you with those.

The hooker grabs the groceries from 47's arms and heads inside.

MRS. 47
Honey, you go sit down on beach now. I will make you lunch.

47 (in his usual, deep-voiced tone)
I like ham salad.

The cutscene ends, and a prompt appears on the screen.

HINT: Go to your lawn chair.

The player takes control of 47, and, with the help of some on-screen tips, eventually makes it to his lawn chair, where another cutscene starts...

47's laptop sits on his lawn chair. 47 picks it up and sits in the chair, placing the laptop on his lap. He opens it, and good old Clera's voice says, "You've got mail!" 47 types a little, and a message appears on the screen-- it's from Diana From Agency. Opening it, 47 sees that the message is nothing more than spam from a porno site. Deleting it, 47, moves on to the next message-- from a Vladimir Cutzurnutzov.

47 opens the message to see a long letter, which he begins to read out loud, but before he gets far, he is interrupted by some surfer kids, walking along the beach, who invite them to surf with him. He agrees, telling his wife to hold on to his sandwich for him.

47 runs off with the surfer kids. A long cutscene shows 47 riding the waves with the bums as Beach Boys music plays in the background.

Next, the scene dissolves into a new one-- the outside of a surf shop.

47 (still in his deep tone)
Hey, dude, wanna buy some gear? You need a new board.

SURF KID #1
I don't have any cash, man!

47
That's not a problem.

The player takes control of 47 again, and this time, you have a new goal.

HINT: Sneak into the store and steal the surfboard.

The player must guide 47 into the shop, out of the owner's sight, and steal the board, which 47 must then smuggle out of the shop, without getting caught. After giving it to the surf kid, a new cutscene appears-- but this time, it's taking place far away, at the beach house.

Mrs. 47 is in the beach house, walking through the kitchen with a ham salad sandwich. Suddenly, she drops the plate and her eyes light up with horror. A black-gloved hand covers her mouth, and another gloved hand grabs a kitchen knife. We see the exterior of the house as we hear a muffled scream.

47 walks up the back of the house and opens the door to the kitchen. We see his mouth drop open, and we see a large puddle of blood on the floor, with a piece of paper on the counter, reading "YOU'RE NEXT." 47 is shaken, and it looks like he's about to cry through the sunglasses. He grabs the piece of paper and crumples it, noticing a logo on the back-- the paper comes from the Bad Times Cafe in Harlem, New York.

47 runs out to his laptop and finds it missing. He yells and stomps his foot in defiance, before speaking in his usual manner.

47
My wife... dead. And even worse... my laptop missing! I'm going to the basement. Time to dig up the past.

We see a cutscene almost identical to the one it Hitman 2-- 47 opens up a closet, puts on his suit and tie, only this time, he puts on a new accessory-- sunglasses. He walks over to a moosehead on a wall and cuts it open with a combat knife. Inside are his ballers and a can of fugu fish pieces.

47 walks out the door and into his sports car, driving off. Time to seek justice for himself.

--Agent 17

[Edited on 6/12/03 by Agent 17]

[Agent 17]

HITMAN: MIAMI
MISSION 2: RAZING THE BAR

LOADING SCREEN: 47 in a pastel-pink shirt and blue jeans, hugging a male bartender with one arm as he pulls a baller from his coat with the other. Blue lava lamps surround the couple, casting a blue light on everything but 47, who is in nearly-complete shadow.

OBJECTIVES:
--Find and enter the Bad Times Cafe.
--Interrogate and murder the club's owner.
--Make it look like an accident.
--Escape by bus.

Fade into 47, wearing suit and tie, on a bus that is driving wildly through the seedy afternoon streets of Harlem, New York City.

47 (voice-over)
Harlem-- it's seen it's share of rhythm and
blues over the years... but if I keep it smooth,
cool, and stylin'-- I should be able to harvest
whatever... information... I need.

The bus stops, and 47 walks off. The player takes control of 47, now on a short dead-end street in Harlem. Bringing up the map, the Bad Times bar can be easily found, as can an Agency pickup logo, which turns out to be nothing but a dead hooker in a dumpster. However, a closer examination (and a quasi-erotic cutscene) can reveal $6.28 in loose bills and change on her corpse, which may come in handy later in the mission, if the player aims for the "Stoner King" rating. A more important item on her body is a car bomb, which 47 will need.

There are two enterances to the Bad Times Club-- one in the front, guarded by a tough-looking, yet sensitive, bouncer, and a back entrance, accessible only through a dark alleyway, that leads to a backstage hallway of the club.

47 walks up to the front entrance and meets the tough, yet sensitive, bouncer. Upon attempting to enter the club, the bouncer will stop the player, saying, "Only our kind allowed, baby." The player now realizes that the Bad Times Cafe is a gay bar.

If the player tries to proceed, the bouncer will hit 47 over the head with a club, drag him into an alley, and rape him to death. The only options the player has are to kill the bouncer and dress as him to enter the club (which will likely get him noticed), go to the back (more on that later), or go down the street to a "Big and Tall" store, to steal some pastel pants and a pink polo shirt, for safe entry into the club.

The player can also go to the back alley. pick the back door's lock, and enter, eventually killing a gay musician, who has stopped his show on the club's stage to get a drink of water, and taking his clothing. He then can walk onto the stage and sing Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" in his usual dark voice, and wander the club afterwards with no problems.

Once entering the club (which completes the first objective), 47 will want to find the manager of the club. The easiest way is to talk to the bartender, who will refuse to give 47 and information until the player opens his inventory, selects his pants, and hits, "DROP ITEM." This makes 47 drop his pants, persuading the bartender, who bears an uncanny likeness to Purple Turban Man, sans turban, to give 47 a key to an upstairs office.

(NOTE: 47 can also buy many drinks from the bar with the money from the dead hooker, to get the SK rating.)

47 goes up to the manager's office, and opens the door, meeting a man VERY similar in appearance to the Spetznaz agent from "Invitation to a Party." The resemblance is incredible. After entering the office, a cutscene begins....

47 enters the office, walks over to the manager's desk, and runs his hands down his clothing.

MANAGER
Well, hel-lo! What do you want? You know
what I want...

47
I need some information on anyone from your
club who may have been to Miami yesterday.

MANAGER
Miami? I assure you, nobody from my
establishment went to Miami. Sit down-- relax.

47
I'll stand. I assure you, somebody from here
was in Miami.

MANAGER
That's impossible-- the members of this club
are usually shunned by the outside world-- so
they seek refuge here... they LIVE here,
practically-- and they never venture out of
town. The only one who sets foot in here
besides the members is the grocery man-- we
call him Mr. Pie.

47
Mr. Pie?

MANAGER
That's what he calls himself-- it could be his
real name, but I think it has something to do
with him delivering desserts to the
restaurants around here.

47
I would like to meet this Mr. Pie.

MANAGER
He's out of town right now-- he said it was on
business. He didn't say when he'd be back.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to slip into
something more comfortable...

The manager winks at 47 and leaves. The camera gives a close-up of his desk, and a coffee mug sitting on it, along with a locked, pink, diary. The player resumes control.

To sucessfully complete the mission, 47 must arm the car bomb he got from the hooker and attach it to the coffee mug. Then, he must pick the lock on the diary and select the "FORGE ENTRY" prompt, which will make 47 write a journal entry explaining the manager's plans to dust his favorite car bomb that afternoon. The manager will come back in soon afterwards, wearing some very suggestive lingerie. 47 may be gone before this, already headed towards the bus station. The manager will eventually blow himself up after drinking the car bomb, and then 47 will have to ditch the gay clothing (to avoid being beaten up on the street) and wait at the bus station for thirty-five real-time minutes.

If the player can get the "Silent Assassin" rating on this mission, they are rewarded with a JETPACK! But it doesn't work. It's just good for looks.

If the player gets "Stoner King," they are rewarded with a rabbit foot keychain.

CUTSCENE: 47, on the bus, pulls out his cellular phone (last seen in "Tubeway Torpedo") and dials the I.C.A. Diana's voice comes across the line, answering.

47
Diana-- it's 47. I've gotten over your bad joke
in St. Petersburg, and I need some
information. You owe me. Check your files for a
"Mr. Pie," in New York City.

DIANA'S VOICE
Ohh, yes... I'm getting some good stuff here....

47
What have you got?

DIANA'S VOICE
Oh... it feels so good... ooh!

47 hangs up the phone. "Dammit," he mutters.

--Agent 17

[Edited on 6/12/03 by Agent 17]

[Agent 17]

HITMAN: MIAMI
MISSION 3: RODENT ROUNDUP

After the last cutscene from Mission 2, "Razing the Bar," the player takes control of 47, dressed in his floral print shirt, and gets to walk him around his New York motel room. To continue the game, 47 must walk to his room phone and call the Agency. Once he does, a mission briefing will appear...

"47- this is Diana from Agency. We're all sorry about what happened in St. Petersburg-- it was a decision made with the help of a Magic 8-Ball. Anyway, we've finally did some research on the Mr. Pie, and some intercepted phone conversations indicating that the man you're looking for is an employee of the New York Stuff Emporium-- a company that distributes a lot of stuff in the northeast United States.

"It just so happens that the Head of Quality Assurance in the Spork Department there is on our hit list, wanted for highly illegal ferret smuggling in the United Kingdom. Eliminating him would give you more leverage, if you were to ever want us to provide you with information in the future.

"There does not seem to be incredible tight security at the Emporium's main warehouse and office building, but if you are noticed, expect a shootout with Rent-A-Cops. Good luck, 47-- and may the Force be with you."

OBJECTIVES:
--Uncover more information about Mr. Pie, the delivery boy
--Kill the Q.A. Head of the Spork Department
--Escape

TARGET VIDEO: A bearded man, the Q.A. Head of the Spork Department, is sitting at a desk, looking evil. He looks around his office, and then begins to loosen his tie and take off his shirt. He begins to rub his chest. Then, he pulls a ferret out of a desk drawer and smiles at it as he lowers it beneath the desk.

LOADING SCREEN: 47, wearing his suit and tie, kneeling on a tile floor, stuffing two ferrets under his coat.

A cutscene shows the outside of the New York Stuff Emporium at night-- it is a big warehouse, surrounded by a barbed-wire fence, which only opens to let in the massive volume of trucks that visit the station throughout the day, and night. We see a blue truck enter the dark parking lot of the warehouse and stop. The driver steps out, and he looks exactly like the grocery man from "Anathema." He walks to the back of the truck and opens the door, only to be kicked in the chin by a black dress shoe. He falls into the nearby fence and is knocked out. 47 jumps out of the back of the truck and straightens out his suit.

The player can now move 47 around on the building's property. A wise thing to do is to take the already-incapacitated (from the cutscene) delivery man's clothing-- after all, it 's a free disguise. After changing into the disguise, 47 must walk over to the entrance to the warehouse, being careful not to get too close to any patrolling security or other delivery men. The parking lot is very dark-- it's only lit by a few streetlights and the lighted front of a vending machine-- which is easy to spot in the darkness, which is good, because it is a key part of this mission.

The vending machine sports the Coca-Cola logo (paid product placement), and is sitting right next to a garage door on the warehouse. A sign on it reads "Please do not use. Thanks! --Mgmt"

However, if the player gets too close to the machine, a prompt will appear-- "PUSH BUTTON." Choosing this prompt will generate a random soft drink in the tray of the machine, which 47 can pick up. If he does this in the SIGHT (not just close to) a guard, he will be caught, so the player must be cautious.

47 can hold the soft drink like a weapon, and the fire button will make him open the drink, chug it all in one gulp, and drop the bottle. Then he will burp loudly, which will alarm guards if done in their earshot. After drinking the soda, a new item will appear in 47's inventory-- either a LOSING BOTTLE CAP or a WINNING BOTTLE CAP, worth a free 20oz Sprite or Coke. The losing caps are useless-- and the player should walk to the nearest recycling bin and drop the item. If 47 does this long enough, though, he's sure to win, and he should hold onto that bottle cap until it is needed.

The vending machine is next to a garage door, which could be opened, if it weren't locked, which it is. However, there is a wooden door to the left of it that can be picked open. Inside is a guard, reading a cheap tabloid, sitting at a control panel. 47 can walk in and fiber-wire the guard, then pull a lever to open the garage door. He must leave the guard shelter and run around and into the main garage door. Now, 47 is in a garage and a metal door in the back of the room leads to the main warehouse.

The main warehouse is lit only by flickering bulbs along the walls, and the majority of the warehouse is dark, though not as dark as outside. Elevator music plays softly throughout the whole area, a product of a sole radio on a small wooden chair by the garage.

47 can have fun searching the aisles of shelves for boxes full of fun stuff. A box marked "Sporks" (flagged on the map) contains 500 live ferrets, which will scurry around the warehouse eternally, if the box is opened. Guards who find the ferrets will open fire on them, making the ferrets mad, and they will eat the guard. Opening the ferret box is an easy way to dispose of most of the mission's guards, however, it can generate a few alerts, which could allow the player to get stuck with the "Baby Killer" rating at the end of the mission. If 47 is fast enough, he can pick up a few of the ferrets and hold them in his inventory, although a squirming under his uniform can tip off some guards.

After navigating the warehouse (with the help of his map) and evading the guards, 47 can find a hallway leading to the small office section of the warehouse. At the end of the hallway is a large door with a sign on it reading "Authorized Personnel Only-- No Delivery Staff Allowed." A ceiling-mounted security camera is aimed on the door, and a bullet-proof glass window nearby shows a security guard watching several security camera monitors vigilantly. The only silent way in is to equip the winning bottle cap from the vending machine and place it in front of the lens of the camera. If a losing cap is placed, the guard will think that the security camera is broken, and will look out of the window, seeing 47 and sounding an alarm. However, if it is a winning cap, the security guard will see the winning message on his monitor and run out of the guard room, to eventually enter the hall and take the cap from the lens. This gives the player enough time to get in the door when he's not watching the monitors.

If the player wants, he can drug out the guard with chloroform when he comes to get the cap, and take his clothing and a keycard that is on him. Then, the player can drag him into an electronically-locked boiler room and close the door, locking it, so that if he wakes up, he won't be able to sound an alarm.

In his new guard uniform, 47 checks his map. The guard room with the cameras is visible, as is a boiler room, a record room, and two unlabeled storerooms, one with a locked door and an Agency logo inside it. There is an elevator at the end of one of the hallways.

47 can walk into the guard room, to find a storeroom key and a radio, both of which can be picked up and stored in inventory. After getting this, 47 proceeds to the locked storeroom (marked with Agency pickup icon) and opens it, to find the skeletal remains of Lee Hong, Don Giuliani, Zip Master, and Dr. Ort-Meyer, all of which can be broken up into little pieces and stored in inventory, for ferret food. Exactly why the bodies were there turns out to be a big plothole in the story of the game.

Finally, 47 walks to the record room, where he finds many filing cabinets and loose papers. After investigating the room, he finds what he's looking for-- a manila folder with information on Mr. Pie. A cutscene kicks in as 47 looks at the folder.

47
Mr. Pi-- with no 'e' at the end... he must be Chinese. But no... he was born in central Europe...

A close-up of the folder shows the piece of paper 47 is reading from. As our hero turns the page, however, he comes face-to-face with a black-and-white photo of... himself in a delivery uniform! Scary Jesper Kyd music plays as 47 steps back from the picture.

47
Yet another clone... this one approximately codenamed 3.14159. He must be behind all of this evil...

47 tucks the folder in his coat, with the squirming ferrets (if he picked them up). Then, he moves to the elevator and rides it to the second floor. When he gets off, he is greeted by soft Bonnie Raitt as the elevator doors open to reveal a plush office with soft red lighting (think Jacuzzi Job room) and red carpet. A desk is on the far wall, but there is nobody in it. Soft moaning noises are coming from an adjacent room, a spare room that the Spork Department head uses for a bedroom of sorts. 47 leans around the corner, and sees a bearded man, the target, sitting in a large bed, naked, and completely covered with ferrets. He is moaning.

The radio that 47 picked up in the guard room can be used now. It can emit a high or low frequency, controlled by the number of times it is "fired." One time is low, twice is high, and three is off. Low frequency makes all the ferrets in the entire mission more sedate, and high frequency makes them vicious. To eliminate the perverted Spork Man, 47 must put the radio on a high frequency, drop it, and walk away to the sound of the man's screaming. If he still has ferrets under his coat, they will begin to scratch and take away health if the radio remains on high, so if he has picked up ferrets, he may want to pick the radio back up after the man is dead and put it on a lower frequency.

After eliminating the target, escaping is just a matter of taking the elevator to the roof, and climbing down a fire escape.

If 47 keeps the ferrets on him, they will become his pets at his beach house. If he gets a "Silent Assassin" rating, his reward will be a Diet Coke vending machine for his beach house (more product placement). Just for the thrill of it-- just for the chill of it-- just for the TASTE of it-- DIET COKE!

--Agent 17

[Agent 17]

HITMAN: MIAMI
MISSION 4: ANATHEMA REVISTED

Right after saving after the last mission, "Rodent Roundup," we see a brief cutscene.

47 is walking down the dark streets of Harlem, and he passes the Bad Times Cafe (the location of the second mission). He looks in, and sees a familiar piece of equipment lying on a table-- his laptop. With the bouncer at the door somehow being absent, 47 walks into the cafe and takes his computer, looking up at the sign on his way out. He rubs his chin and narrows his eyes, then walks off.

From this, we go into another mission briefing, displayed on the laptop, and spoken by a soft male voice with a little bit of an odd accent...

"47-- this is Perriwinkle Turban Man-- Diana and Clera have been bad girls, and they're in 'time out' right now, but I'm here to give you the latest news. Since you were so... so.. good... at eliminating your previous target, we've decided to help you out a little by sending you some information we've come across while checking some our top secret video feeds.

"After your startling identification of Mr. Pi, we've kept an eye out for any suspicious bald men that look exactly like you. So far, no luck, but some intelligence suggests that someone fitting his description may be in Southwest Italy at the moment. Speaking of that region, though, I'm afraid we have some troubling news.

"Satellite photos show that a number of looters have begun to plunder the Villa Borguese, the mafia house in Sicily you visited in the spring. Without the Don Guiliani governing the estate, the Casa Nostra presence there has been weak, and looters have taken advantage of it. Needless to say, if this looting gets too bad, unwanted attention on your previous operation may be attracted, and you may become a liability for us, 47.

"To protect your reputation-- revisit the Villa Borguese, eliminate all of the looters there, and burn the place down, to cover your tracks. While you're at it, pick me up some of them golf clubs the don used to have. I hear they're good for the long shots. Have fun in Sicily, 47. I hear it's oh-so pretty this time of year."

MISSION OBJECTIVES:
--Eliminate all the looters at the Villa Borguese.
--Forge suicide notes for all the corpses in the area.
--Find and steal the Don's golf bag.
--Set fire to the entire estate.

TARGET VIDEO: We see a shot from a shaky, handheld camera, showing a few slick-haired, Italian mobsters firing 9mm pistols at a number of men that are running into the mansion, weilding baseball bats and shotguns. One looter pulls a revolver from his pocket and fires at the mobster, killing him.

LOADING SCREEN: A peaceful bird's nest in the top of an evergreen tree, near a wooden ladder. A few baby birds are looking up eagerly at their next meal, dangling from their mother's mouth-- a hidden car key.

The Villa Borguese is sunny as 47, dressed in his usual black pants, dress shirt, and tie, walks up slowly through the main gates to the Villa Borguese. An interesting thing about his costume is that he is wearing sunglasses, and his funeral-black dress coat is not present, revealing two heavy, black, gun holsters held up with black suspenders. A "fanny pack" is attached to his waist.

The player takes control of 47 in the spot the postman entered from in Hitman 2's "Anathema" mission. Looking around, it is easy to spot clouds of black smoke rising from above the brick wall of the estate, and the graffiti all over the walls is rather obvious. However, the focal point of the start point is the bloody corpse of the Don's son, lying in the driveway, with several tire treads over him. As 47 approaches the corpse, two prompts appear, allowing him to "point and laugh," or "cut off head." Pointing and laughing is kind of pointless, but it's fun, nonetheless. Cutting off the head will lead to a cutscene showing 47 bending over and pulling a small Swiss army knife from the dead man's shirt pocket. He will then slowly saw at the man's neck for ten minutes, before the head finally comes off. 47 can store this in his inventory, to be used later.

As the player takes a few steps down the driveway, they will see, in the distance, a maid running around with a dust broom. If not killed, she will run out the main gates and escape. This will fail the mission, since she is not a maid, but a looter dressed like a maid and looting a dust broom. The player's policy in this mission should be, "if it moves, shoot it."

There are many ways to get inside the perimeter of the villa, of course. The most interesting is the main gate, which has six dead bodies chained to it-- four mobsters, the cook, and the system admin from "Graveyard Killing."

Once inside the gate, 47 will realize what a war zone the villa has become. The don's lawyer can be seen hanging from a tree with a noose around his neck. Large filing cabinets are thrown into the main driveway, on fire. A handsome blue sports car has been overturned, spraypainted, and harvested for parts. Several looters run in and out of the villa, throwing furniture and books around. The wise thing to do is shoot them in the head four times with the ballers. With the looters out of the way, 47 can look through the looted stuff and take anything he wants, for permanent display in his beach.

The player can choose to just run around and shoot all the looters, but if he hopes to get the coveted "Kinky Assassin" rating at the end of the mission, he'll want to strip the black lace stockings off the legs of the looter that was disguised as a maid, and sneak up behind all the looters, strangling them with the stockings.

47 will work his way around the villa. If he so much as looks at a looter, they will attack him, so the player must be careful to keep all looters out of eyesight, at least as long as the looters can see him.

Before long, 47 will enter the house, which will be in complete disarray. Garbage is scattered all over the floor, and a few of the St. Petersburg sewer rats scurry about. Obscene graffiti (written in Italian) marks the walls and furniture. Many of the doors are beaten down with axes.

47 will eventually walk into a dimly-lit dining room, where a group of innocents (killing them is a no-no) are watching a man with a banjo play the "Hitman" game theme. If 47 watches long enough, the musician will get to a particularly moving section of the music, and some innocents will draw lighters from their pockets, light them, and will wave them in the air slowly. The player must go to the inventory, choose the don's son's severed head, and choose "drop item," making 47 drop the head on the floor, freaking out everyone, who will drop their lighters in a panic and run off. The lighters will all close as they drop, so there will be no stray fires in the house. Yet. 47 should pick up the lighter, for use when completing the final objective.

After eliminating all of the looters, and completing the first objective, 47 should walk up to the late don's bedroom, and over to a closet, which contains two large duffel bags. It's the player's decision which one to take, but one of them contains a dead body (it can be identified by the flies buzzing around it). The other bag contains the Don's golf clubs. 47 will throw this one over his shoulder, and will walk around with it for the rest of the mission.

Now, it's time to forge suicide notes for all the dead looters. The don's office is terribly looted, but a legal pad of paper can be found nearby. Of course, 47 needs something to write with, too, and that problem is solved by the large amount of blood spread throughout the map.

After writing all the notes, 47 must run around and post them on every single dead body he sees. After that, a message will appear on screen: "HINT: FIND FIRE ACCELERANT." The only way to collect fire accelerant is to catch some of the fuel that is leaking from the overturned car in the villa driveway with a large bucket, found only in the basement cell of the house.

47, possibly with the help of his map, will find out that he's supposed to go to the cell, and when he does, he will open the door to find 47's dear American buddy Agent Smith sitting on the floor, smoking a hash pipe and giggling. He is wearing novelty American flag boxers, featuring smiley faces instead of stars. On the floor next to him is a bucket full of marijuana, wriapped in As 47 enters, he picks up a nearby Deagle and fires two rounds over 47's head. A cutscene begins.

AGENT SMITH
Hey, 47!!! How's it going, man?

47
You wanna keep it down?

AGENT SMITH
Why? You killed everyone else on the map!
Who's gonna hear?

47
I d-- where the hell did you get all this dope,
brother?

Agent Smith looks at the large bags of marijuana that are stacked in a corner.

AGENT SMITH
One of the guys who was looting the place
sold me all this fly weed when I was on
assignment in Miami.

47
Miami?

AGENT SMITH
You know, Miami! Miami's on the scene, man!
That's where it's at.

47
I see. Where did you get it from?

AGENT SMITH
Miami, man!

47 kicks Agent Smith in the stomach.

47
Where in Miami???

AGENT SMITH
The corner of Seer and Maycope, man!

47
Thank you, sir.

47 quickly pulls out his 9mm pistol and shoots out the lightbulb in the cell, creating pitch darkness. The cutscene ends, and 47 is outside the cell, carrying a bucket in one hand and the sports bag over his shoulder.

Now, 47 must collect gas from the car in the driveway and spill it around the house, before setting a piece of legal paper on fire and dropping it. The final cutscene shows 47 running out of the villa as it explodes. The balconies collapse, and large clouds of smoke billow into the sky. Agent Smith comes running out of the basement, on fire, screaming. He jumps into the swimming pool of the villa, and the screaming stops.

47 shrugs. "Nobody will suspect a thing," he says. "Now, to check out this dope dealer..."

If 47 achieves "Silent Assassin" rating on this mission, he will be rewarded with a dime bag of dope. If he gets the "Kinky Assassin" rating, he'll recieve, what else? Handcuffs.

Stay tuned for the next chilling and thrilling mission!

--Agent 17

[Recluse]

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Nicely done 17!! :good::cheers:

[sybil]

Maby this could be like somekind of mini-game? I mean like a reward for when you finish the game

[Agent 17]

I'm not sure if IOI would devote their time to making a lengthly self-parody, written by someone else, that would be a whole game in itself, just to be a fun unlockable "mini-game." It's not very mini. But hey, I encourage them to.

Anyway, I've finally gotten around to making more of these little outlines, so here we go with "The Dope Fiend." Be warned-- this one ends with a semi-cliffhanger ending... you won't find out what happened to 47 until the beginning of the next mission.

HITMAN: MIAMI
MISSION 5: THE DOPE FIEND

We fade into 47's beach house. All of his collected items are in different rooms of the house, including a cage containing a ferret and a Diet Coke vending machine. To continue with the game, the player must walk over to the kitchen table and slect the prompt that says "CONTINUE GAME." The following mission briefing will appear.

"47, it's Diana. I'm glad you were able to clean up your Sicily mess, but I'm curious to what you're up to back in Miami. I've done some more looking into this "Mr. Pi" person, and it does look like he bought a passport to Mexico a few days ago. Stay alert, 47.

"Anyway, now you're going after a dope dealer, eh? I suppose I should let you know what you're in for. The dope king of Seer Street goes by the name of Slim Cat, but everyone at Agency has serious doubts about that being his legal name. Anyway, since one of the looters at the Villa had some of his illicit substances, there's a good chance he has some connection to this 'Mr. Pi' you've been chasing.

"Slim Cat is supplied by a large network of drug manufacturers. You might be able to pose as a drug manufacturer to gain access to the warehouse he does his business in, if you want to interrogate him. Be careful, 47-- it's heavily guarded."

MISSION OBJECTIVES:
-- Find and interrogate Slim Cat

TARGET VIDEO: We see a skinny man in sunglasses rapping silently to himself, staring into a mirror.

LOADING SCREEN IMAGE: We see 47 being brutalized by the Miami Police Department in a dark alley.

The mission begins with a cutscene of 47 in a dirty taxi. He is talking to himself mentally, again, saying, "Miami again. If I want to nail this drug chump, I'd better appear to be a drug dealer, meaning I gotta walk the walk and talk the talk.... at the same time. Easier said, but still easy to do. I should get my hands on some premium hash, and then maybe this cat Cat will see me..."

The player takes control of 47 on a dark Miami street in a rough part of town. It's a big city, so it might help if the player checked the available map. When they do, they'll see that there is a building in the center of the map marked "Warehouse" and an alley nearby marked with a yellow exclamation point. Heading to the alley, they will see a tall man in a trench coat standing behind some crates. A cutscene will begin.

47
Good evening.

TALL MAN
Get the hell outta here, man, I'm clean!

47
Excuse me?

TALL MAN
I see you! You look like a cop! Get outta here, I'm clean!

47 walks away and looks at his clean suit and tie, shaking his head. The next obvious approach is to walk into the lair of Slim Cat. It will take the player about five minutes to walk across town to get to the warehouse, but 47 doesn't mind the walk.

The warehouse is all boarded up, except for a big sliding door on one side, which is just locked. There is no possible way in. As 47 approaches the sliding door, he places a call to the Agency. Instead of Diana answering it, it is Clera. 47 explains that Slim Cat's warehouse is locked up tight and that there is no way in. Clera politely explains that the owner of the warehouse is a non-stereotypical Sikh businessman named Eddie Smith, and that he checks the locks on his warehouse every night. It's just a matter of time before he comes around tonight.

The player must now watch the warehouse for hours on end, waiting for when the non-stereotypical Sikh businessman named Eddie Smith comes around. This may take anywhere from five to eight hours, so it's in the player's best interest to buy a good novel before playing this mission.

Eventually, the clean-shaven Sikh businessman will come by wearing professional business attire, and walk around the building a few times. 47 has to chloroform him and toss him in an open manhole (not to be confused with the open "Man-Hole Bar," one of the biggest competitors of the Bad Times Cafe in New York City, which was seen in an earlier mission). Hopefully, 47 thought to take the man's keys before throwing him in, because if he didn't, he'll have to play an interesting arcade-style jumping puzzle with a homeless person living in the sewer to get them back. If he took the keys first, however, he can unlock the sliding door of the building and walk in.

Inside the warehouse, Slim Cat has a very interesting furniture theme going on, which I will not describe before mixed audiences. Slim Cat has two Malaysian security guards posted by a heavy metal door marked "Cat's Office." At the moment, they are sitting in some of Slim's child-skin chairs, reading different issues of "Manson Insider," each of which have giant cover pictures of Charles Manson on them. They immediately stop 47 in his tracks (saying "No access-la!") and question him. It will soon come out that nobody sees Slim Cat without something to offer, namely the good stuff, which, for the uninitiated, means drugs. 47 will have to come back later, with something illicit, since the metal door will not open unless both of the guards turn keys in other ends of the building at the same time, like launching a missile.

There's only one place to get drugs in this mission, and that is the tall man's drug alley that 47 visited at the beginning of the mission. He'll have to walk all the way across town again... but first, he needs to look like he's not a cop. 47 has no ratty clothing on him to use... a Malaysian security uniform won't work, and neither will a nice blue suit. Checking the map again, the player will notice that a few nearby alleys are flagged. Each of those alleys contains a vicious Miami gang. Having no other choice, 47 must try to fight the gang world to get some new clothing.

As soon as the player steps foot in one of the marked alleys, dozens of gang members attack 47 with switchblades, messing him all up and taking all his guns. They knife him and beat him brutally. They leave him for dead, and the background is slowly replaced with white light. Then, the light fades away, and 47 stands up and brushes himself off. He has had a near-death experience. This will be referred to frequently in the next Hitman game, titled "Hitman IV: Omaha," where 47 is slated to become the "Jesus figure" of a small American town, and then again in "Hitman V: The Hague," where 47 will be put on trial for the war crimes committed in the previous episode.

The only good thing that this gang beating has done for 47, who now has a very small amount of health, is mess up his clothing and face to the point that he looks like a decent crack addict. This will allow him to buy some premium hash from the tall man introduced at the beginning of the mission, who he must travel six minutes to see. As 47 enters the drug man's alley, a cutscene begins.

47 approaches the drug table and the tall man smiles.

TALL MAN
Ah, friend! What can I do for you?

47
I want some premium hash.

Instantly, dozens of police officers enter the alley and grab 47, throwing him to the ground and beating him repeatedly. A civilain happens to be walking by with a handheld video camera, and they take a few seconds of footage and runs off to the nearest television news station. 47 looks up through bloody eyes at a calm dectective, who smiles at him. "Let's take him downtown, boys." 47 passes out.

If 47 managed to make it the whole mission without killing anyone (which is very easy, and for the most part, absolutely neccessary to complete the mission), the player gets a virtual pat-on-the-back.

[Agent n00b f00]

You see if H3 was modable these missions will be possible. IOI better make it modable or else!.....They'll make many fanbois cry.

[Agent 17]

Darn, if it's moddable, it means I'll have to get a PC. And I don't want to do that. Maybe they'll make it for Mac.

--Agent 17

P.S. If anyone's gonna use this as an opportunity flame Mac-users, do it in another thread, please.

[sybil]

Wauw yet another great piece. When can we expect to see the next part. I'm really excited about this. I have red every episode and I thin it is realy marvoules or something?

[Recluse]

Another nicely done piece 17 :good:

I'm afraid I've fallen a bit off the inspiration wagon, and been derelict in my duties on keeping up on my end.

[Agent 17]

I'll try to get the next Hitman: Miami out soon, but I've got a lot of other things to be doing... first of all, I'm working on the season finale of my popular teleplay series, The Ghetto Batman (worth a look if you haven't seen it yet), and I'm trying to get my act together enough to make a silly music video for Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby." Meanwhile, I've got to read all these pieces of "great" literature for a school class I'm supposed to be getting into, while I try to get my act together enough to make a short film about a chase before November. This whole week, I have to make sure my goat makes its scheduled appearances at the county fair.

And on top of everything else, I'm trying to figure out how to pay Avril Lavigne the $15 I think she should have in return for me swiping all the songs off her CD (a task that's not complete yet). Yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't pay artists for stealing their music. But I think it would be fun. Maybe I should just put my dignity aside and buy her CD... while wearing a ski mask, of course.

--Agent 17

P.S. Before someone breaks out the "that silly Avril Lavigne is a poser and a wanna-be punk," let me say that I like that, because I don't like real punks.

P.S.S. Avril Lavigne uses the same digital video camera as me! Whee!

P.P.S. I missed seeing Avril Lavigne on MTV's "Diary" show today, because I had to take my silly goat to the fair.

P. I lead an odd life.

[sybil]

Eum let's see here
-getto batman
-silly music
-litarature
-goat to fair
-pay avril lavigne


Sounds fair enough. Have fun I'll be waiting.

[Recluse]

Love the Ghetto Batman 17 :good:

[Agent 17]

Okay, Recluse, since everyone who reads "The Ghetto Batman" falls in love with it, and since I get e-mails from strangers telling me that it's the funniest thing ever and that they want subscriptions, yadda yadda yadda, I've decided to put up the Ghetto Batman forum!

So check it out, sign up, and post some threads! And I want another moderator, so everyone remember that.

--Agent 17

It's still not as slick as Hitman Forum.

[sybil]

Yeah well it isn't a forum for wich you have to pay. but you can make something nice of it. Check out these proboards.

http://bavo.proboards.com/
http://froggysf.proboards19.com/

[-S-Blade]

Err... one question... what is this 'Ghetto Batman' forum supposed to be about? what is 'Ghetto Batman'?

(PS. Oh... and it looks alot like hitmanforum :cheers: )

PPS. Here is another proboards forum if you want to check it out: http://koni.proboards20.com/index.cgi

:cheers:

[sybil]

I don't like getto batman. i like hitman miami. You should open a forum about hitman.

[Agent 17]

Dude, that's been done already.

--Agent 17