Epic Rap Battles of Hitman`


#1

Basically a parody of Epic Rap Battles of History except with Hitman characters. This thread Hitman forum rap battle was getting old. I’ll start.

Silvio Caruso vs Jordan Cross

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!
Silvio Caruso!
vs
Jordan Cross!

BEGIN!

Jordan Cross:

It’s Jordan Cross! You won’t want to mess with me!
Or I’ll diss you and walk away, just like your family!
But if you wanna take it out on me then be my guest,
I’ll put my music to the test and show this geek he’s second best.
I’m a rock god, this scientist shows me nothing I have to fear!
I’m gonna let loose on this hippy commie pinko queer!!
You lived off your fam for decades, I broke out and struck it rich!
I didn’t serve you, I’m too dope; I owned you, bitch!

Silvio Caruso:
Y-y-o, I m-might not be “rockstar cool”, but next to me you’re just a fool,
I make bio-weapons, dude, while you make brainless girls drool.
Making shitty CDs requires how many PhDs?
You have a way with the ladies, but next to me you’re on your knees.
And you can call me queer?
"Shit, the ‘gays’ are here!"
You “real” men need to know,
it d-don’t offend me, bro;
My mind explores all new horizons! I’m Skynet, you’re a Cylon:
you’re a drone who fires blanks that Kirk’s red-shirts wouldn’t die from!

Jordan Cross:
Are We Stars, you’re not, I’m lyrically assassinating your disses,
I’ll take you into the water, your raps are like flopping fishes!
Here’s you lie, Silvio, your name is on your family tomb!
I’ll Shine A Light up your Mother’s ass, how’s that for a way back home?

Silvio Caruso:

You got caught in your assassination, son. Your hands are red.
I achieved an SA rank without a drop of blood shed.
So go b-back to living pretty on your papa’s dirty cash,
And when you come out of the closet, I’ll return to kick your ass.

WHO WON!!!
WHO’S NEXT!!!
YOU DECIDE!!!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!

Beat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ecq_GQDmDo

Jordan Cross: @Markie

Silvio Caruso: @David47

Dalia Margolis vs Reza Zaydan

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!
Dalia Margolis!
vs
Reza Zaydan!

BEGIN!

Dalia Margolis:

So you’re a hit with the ladies? Oh, please don’t make me laugh;
you’re less sexy than Saddam Hussain, and clearly twice as daft.
At least he ran Iraq for over eighty-thousand days;
you can barely run a school, your whole battalion’s “second grade”.
And don’t think you turn me on with your fat “Omar Sharif” jaw;
if you were a model, you’d be Derek Zoolan-dor:
with your giant fucking ego and your brain inside your pants;
you’re the Big Man in your dreams, but your real life is built for ants.
You have nothing! I have style, and I have Vikor’s wallet strings; I have all the options, darling –
you just pray Strandberg doesn’t sing.

General Zaydan:

Now, I used to know your dad, what a great man,
If only he knew his precious daughters shitty plan,
You may control Viktor, but what does he do?
Nothing like my banker, who managed to fuel my coup
You play with your little auction, I’ll play with Morocco
I’ll control a nation, you couldn’t control Rocco
I know all your secrets were exposed by St. Clair
If it were me I’d have her held hostage on a chair
The Auction of Secrets? More like the auction of lies,
I’m no fraud however, I own all Moroccan skies
I’ll make Rabat fall just like you fell onto Viktor
Building an army while you look in the mirror

Dalia Margolis:

When I look into the mirror, I see the Queen of Hearts;
if “knowledge poker” is the game, then I hold all the cards.
I knew about your crummy coup, and I knew that it was folly;
I can read deluded despots like they’re "Where is Fucking Wally?"
The main difference between us, is that all my boasts are true;
you’re like, “I’ve got a massive cock and this is what I’m gonna do”.
If we can simply make things up, let’s say I rule the universe,
and you can shine my shoes while Hugo Strandberg holds my purse.
You’re a dummy, I’m a model; you’re a beast and I’m a belle;
I make cash, you make Morocco, look like “Holidays From Hell”;
I’d put your army up for auction, but as far as I can tell:
your toy soldiers all fire blanks, and your bullshit wouldn’t sell.

General Zaydan:

Now if we’re playing poker, I guess you should just fold
Cause I’m about to take you down with burns that will scold
I’ve nabbed more titles than the Guinness books of records
While your organisation is just a bunch of flower petals
Using poison, that’s a cowards way to kill
Give me a Kashihnakov and I’m king of the hill
My army is stronger than your words will ever be
’The sword beats the pen’ is the way to go for me
See the prisoner I tied up, that’s what I do to loose ends
While all you do is threaten, when you need to defend
If I’m a beast, I’m the best beast that ever was
Who needs beauty when you have a house full of arms
If you think cash is why I’m here, you’re know nothing
I build my house of cards higher than all of your money
You think I’m a dummy? Go home and talk to Viktor
That man has less smarts than Patrick Star’s little sister

WHO WON!!!
WHO’S NEXT!!!
YOU DECIDE!!!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!

Beat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j17l4lo8-145

Dalia Margolis: @David47

Reza Zaydan: @Silverballer

Viktor Novikov vs Marco Abiatti

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!
Viktor Novikov!
vs
Marco Abiatti!

BEGIN!

Marco Abiatti:

I’m Marco Abiatti. Pleased to make your acquaintance,
I’d love to stay and chat, but I have some arrangements.
Novikov thinks he’s some big shot mobster,
little does he know, he will soon be sleeping with the lobsters.
You should know, I cover my tracks well, if you come to my town,
you will die by the church bell.
I’m running for mayor, while you run a comb through your hair.
If it comes down to you and me, you won’t have a prayer.
Now go sit in your chair, just stick to your fashion, you don’t have the passion to do what I do…
Now run along, I’m sure you have pretty dresses to attend to.

Viktor Novikov:

Stop the presses! It’s Viktor Novikov! Against this crooked clown!
I’m ready to spill blood, so tell your guards lock you down.
Let me speak frankly, you cut through the crap, but your verse was shit.
Caruso won’t need to call the ICA, cause I’m have you more than hit.
Disses are served, here’s the cheque, Dick Nixon.
When I told my girlfriend about you, she went “Honey, that’s Nixon”.
Get in the way of my business, and none shall be spared.
Take some pride in yourself, do something with your hair.
Run off, little Marco, before I get your life postponed.
You better build a wall to keep IAGO from your home.

Marco Abiatti:

Came back for more, dear boy? I thought I already put you in your place.
Your talk is big for a little boy. You are a shame to the lyrical race.
This may come to a surprise, but it is in fact me, on the high rise.
You ain’t a mobster, you’re a mobsters wife, boy, you ain’t cut out for this life.
Miss Margolis wears the pants now, don’t she?
You will never be part of her family tree.
I am the true one with all the power. You can just sit and play with your flower.
Come at me again, sir, I swear things will get sour, I’d like to stay and chat, but I got some business in the church tower.

Viktor Novikov:

Ha, I seen better burns when Bosco was on fire!
Business in the church tower? Better watch the spire.
You’re a thug, I’m a kingpin, someone you should admire!
I’ll get Francesco cause you’re gonna need a funeral pyre!
I’ll leak your true self, and kill you during damage control!
Listen here, you little twerp, I dropkick you down the poll!
Don’t trust this fucker with the nuclear codes!
I rather 4 years of Caruso than this two-faced toad!
Viktor got him finished, diminished this greedy loner!
So get going down the road, this election is over.

WHO WON!!!
WHO’S NEXT!!!
YOU DECIDE!!!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!

Beat: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RslcSL0peJQ2

Viktor Novikov: @Markie

Marco Abiatti: @Agent4T7

Future battle ideas:
Kalvin Ritter vs Sergei Larin
Sarajevo Six vs Liberation
Helmut Krueger vs Abel De Silva
Vivian Buccho vs Nicholas Laurent
Katashi Ito vs Dexy Barat


#2

Viktor vs 47:

Viktor: Yo while I drink this Bare knuckle Boxer, I’ll beat your head to the size of a lobster.

47:
No.

Viktor: -Not able to talk anymore.


#3

Hahahaha this was beautiful, and I rapped it in the voices as I read it!

The line “Making shitty CDs requires how many PhDs?” made me physically boom with laughter.

Silvio won!


#4

Silvio definitely won. =P 47 definitely needs to be in this. Maybe vs Shadow Client when we know more about him?


#5

Pretty good verses you wrote here bro, you pulled this off better than I expected - kudos!


#6

You credited the wrong person bro :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: It’s @David47 who you should be crediting


#7

Okay, what’s the next line up?

Yamazaki vs Morgan?
Yamazaki vs De Santis?
Strandberg vs Rose?
Berg vs Caruso?
Soders vs Caruso? (actually I did a Soders rap in the other thread)
Margolis vs Zaydan?

I’d be happy to do Strandberg (I have some lines this time) if someone wants to go against me :smiling_imp:


#8

Do Soders and Strandberg! :stuck_out_tongue:


#9

Do Yuki Yamazaki vs Francesca De Santis. Sounds interesting.


#10

Thanks for makin’ sure I get due credit for my rhyming skills, man. lol


#11

This is cool, Markie. :slight_smile:

But there’s no question-mark at the end of “And you can call me queer”, and it’s “Jim Kirk’s red shirts”.

I also think you changed one of my lines: “You got caught in your assassination, son. Your hands are red.”

I don’t remember writing that. But I’m gonna let this one slide because it sounds good. lol

P.S. I like that you added a link to a music beat. Very thorough. :smile:


#12

Do Viktor Novikov vs Claus Strandberg


#13

I might play Dalia Margolis if she gets involved.

@Silverballer, “Margolis vs. Zaydan” sounds cool.

P.S. Here’s my original version of the Silvio rap. Markie altered one or two small things.

(But I do like the line he changed; it’s a nice alternate version.)

[details=Summary]Y-y-o, I m-might not be “rockstar cool”, but next to me you’re just a fool;
I make bio-weapons, dude, while you make brainless girls drool.
Making shitty CDs requires how many PhDs?
You have a way with the ladies, but next to me you’re on your knees.

And you can call me queer; "Oh shit, the ‘gays’ are here!"
You “real” men need to know, it d-don’t offend me, bro.
My mind explores all new horizons! If I’m Skynet, you’re a Cylon:
you’re a drone who fires blanks that Jim Kirk’s red-shirts wouldn’t die from!

Oh, did that nerd-reference-go-over-your-head? Let me simplify: you’re dead;
I achieved an SA rank without a drop of blood shed.
So go b-back to living pretty on your papa’s dirty cash,
And when you come out of the closet, please return and kiss my ass.[/details]


#14

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HITMAN!

Dalia Margolis

vs.

Reza Zaydan

BEGIN!

Dalia Margolis (first verse).

So you’re a hit with the ladies? Oh, please don’t make me laugh;
you’re less sexy than Saddam Hussain, and clearly twice as daft.
At least he ran Iraq for over eighty-thousand days;
you can barely run a school, your whole battalion’s “second grade”.
And don’t think you turn me on with your fat “Omar Sharif” jaw;
if you were a model, you’d be Derek Zoolan-dor:
with your giant fucking ego and your brain inside your pants;
you’re the Big Man in your dreams, but your real life is built for ants.
You have nothing! I have style, and I have Vikor’s wallet strings; I have all the options, darling –
you just pray Strandberg doesn’t sing.

P.S. I would suggest that nobody reply directly to this comment. Direct replies should probably be reserved for whoever – if anyone – decides to play Reza. :slight_smile:


#15

Speaking of homophobic slurs, I’m making a contract called “Fishermen against Glorifying Silvio”. 3 fishermen and a kitchen assistant.


#16

No matter who won the rap battles: 47 always has the last word.


#17

Well, if anyone wants to see “47 vs. Sam Fisher”, I’ll play Sam Fisher, and we’ll just see about that. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Yeah, I know Fisher isn’t a Hitman character, but 47 should really rap against an equal.

Although, I know that 47 would win the popular vote, whatever I wrote, because – Hitman bias. lol


#18

Can you do Yuki Yamazaki vs Francesca De Santis?


#19

I haven’t played Japan yet! But as soon as I have, I’ll consider it if it still hasn’t been done.


#20

:smile: Funny. If I join Fishermen Against Gloryfying Silvio, do I get to be vice president?

I suppose I have to take up fishing first.