Ok,guys.This post might not even make any sense to you but I just need to get something off my chest since I'm feeling terrible and I have no one to talk to I feel.
This might be long.
I haven't been posting in last couple of months,I don't even know why.I told myself I'd stay off the forum and I don't even know what's the reason to be honest.
Last couple of months were probably best in my life,I had a really good time.I started talking to a girl from my class.
I've actually known her for 4 years already but I never really was interested in her.Then in October we somehow got into a conversation and since then talked regularly almost every day.
She broke up with her boyfriend at that time and I was there to help her.She told me she really likes me as a friend and that she regrets not talking,hanging out with me earlier.I do the same.
She's an amazing person and I really regret not meeting her earlier in my life even though I'm just 18.
As you might imagine I started to like her more and more.It didn't take long.About one or two months until I realised I really fell in love with her.
And I was okay with that.I felt kind of safe.I know this may sound mean but she just broke up with her boyfriend and I felt like I had a chance.
It happened to me first time that I talked to someone for 7 or 8 hours.We would talk all day.I felt great.I always thought of me as a worthless human being and then meeting somebody that's willing to talk with me for hours was amazing.I was never ever happier.However I was also always in fear that she'd find a boyfriend.
And I never had courage to tell her what I really feel because I want this friendship to last forever.I truly do.I can't lose her as a friend.We don't have to be together but I need a friend like her.I don't think I'd ever meet anybody like her again.Someone that would be willing to talk to me in 2 in the morning about most random stuff because it's just fun and not say "I'm tired,I have to sleep.".
I'm a mess now.She met a guy on birthday party and said she really enjoyed talking to him.Me,being her best friend,knew about this first since she was the one to tell me that herself.And the feeling is terrible.She told me she likes the guy.She talked about him today all day.I heard conversation she had with one of her friends.
She talked with him all day too.
She almost didn't talk to me at all today and yesterday.It really seems she's into that guy.
Because of this situation I've gone crazy.This is only thing on my mind.I decided to tell her that I like her tommorow morning.I'm destroyed.I can't sleep,I can't eat,I can't concentrate on anything at all.I'm just thinking about this same thing over and over and over and over again.
I'm overthinking everything too much.I'm destroying myself literally.I've never felt worse.
I don't know why but telling her what I really feel might make me feel better.I feel that's my only way out of this.
We might never be friends though.Ever again.And I think I couldn't accept that.There's a chance we could even end up being together.
I know she cares about me.She said I'm best friend she ever had,she said she regrets not meeting me earlier,she'd talk to me first every time she needed advice.
All this stuff I know but I still fear that tommorow when I tell her what I truly feel we might never talk again.
I don't know what I'm gonna do if I lose her.I guess I'll just go to being lonely again like I did for pretty much my whole life.
Not talking to anyone at all.That'd be a big contrast.
I really got used to her and talking to her if you know what I mean.
And I have a really bad feeling for some reason.
I'm just wondering why does stuff always have to end.It's always been like that for me.I always fuck everything up.And I'm conciously going to do it again.
I never had a girlfriend like some of you may know.I feel like I could be with this girl forever literally.She really means a lot to me.
And I know this is a cliche but I don't think I'd meet anyone like her again.
I'm not expecting any answers or advices.I'm not asking for you guys to help me.I just wanted to say this and hopefully make myself feel a little bit better.
There's a chance I might leave this forum all together though.So yeah...don't worry I guess.
And I wish you all the best.