First of all, I’m sorry you feel this way. Loneliness is a widespread issue that can be just as debilitating as it is prevalent. And in a world where we’re more technologically connected than ever, it seems we’ve never been more socially isolated. Where sending a message used to take a year to travel the globe, but now takes a microsecond, and yet now we think twice about sending that message, for fear of rejection.
It sounds like your trust issues have a lot of reinforcing influences from the various people around you, making it difficult to work on them when the way the others behave only prolongs your issues. Often trust issues manifest themselves in being too quick to trust people, then feeling betrayed when they don’t honor that trust, resulting in them isolating themselves and deliberately not trusting anyone in the future, to avoid a repeat of the pain. If this sounds like you, I would recommend a strategy of reminding yourself to keep an emotional distance when first meeting people, and to consider whether you can trust them, before you begin to do so. While this may not resolve your situation with your mother, it will hopefully prevent prematurely trusting (and so emotionally investing) in people when it’s too early to tell if they will honor that trust.
It might suit you to change the people around you (specifically the bad friends you mentioned) by joining a club or society, and surrounding yourself with new people that don’t make you feel bad. I know that the social deficits of Asperger’s, and the sensitivity to being bombarded in large groups of people, may make this difficult for you. I would recommend starting off small, like with an online forum, and perhaps advancing to larger groups with more face-to-face exposure. Being surrounded by people who make you feel like you’re attention-seeking and don’t take you seriously creates a negative feedback loop that is difficult to ignore, so I think getting to know new people (particularly in person) will be a breath of fresh air as you’ll be able to see the joy they derive from being around you.
Regarding your self-loathing, I would first say that having an autism spectrum disorder is not your fault, and it doesn’t make you any less of a person for having it. And while you may struggle with social cues and order of processing, there are far worse things you could have, that would effect how people view you. Whenever people ‘confess’ to me that they have autism, I always say “Is that it?” because they say it like it’s an infectious disease. It’s not a pleasant disorder to have, but if anyone decides to judge you negatively, purely based on you having it, then that says more about them then it does about you. And do you really want the approval of people who are that ignorant and narrow-minded? The same goes for your looks. I obviously have never seen what you look like, but I can guarantee I wouldn’t care if you were a supermodel or an elephantiasis patient. As humans, we can’t help being bias at who we like and don’t like looking at, but if you’ve got a great personality and you’re really interesting to talk to, am I really going to avoid you because you’ve got a weird hair cut, or an unusual face? No. And anyone who thinks otherwise, will miss out on the good memories they would have had with you.
I’ll end by recognising that the people saying you’re attention-seeking and trying to judge you have obviously had an affect on you, to the extent that you’re starting to believe them. It’s important that you know that just because everyone around you tells you something, doesn’t make it true. There was a time when everyone said the Earth was flat, and look how that panned out. You know yourself better than anyone else, because you’re the one living your life and thinking your thoughts.
I can tell from your post that you’re humble, articulate and mature. I know that, I’ve not even met you. So if you’re able to exude that from some writing on a screen, I’ve no doubt that you’re capable of much more - when you’re in an environment where you feel comfortable to just be you. Don’t worry what everyone else thinks. Their approval isn’t wanted or needed, and equally, their disapproval isn’t a physical entity. It can’t harm you if they silently judge you. We’re judged no matter what we do, so just live your life and be yourself. I know that’s easier said than done, but I think working on your social skills, meeting new people and making real friends will go a long way to changing the way you view yourself.
If you’d like to discuss this in further detail, please know that you can PM me any time.