I’m going to share a…pretty complicated story.
So I was visiting my family and old/childhood friends. Since life has happened, some of those friends are married, some of them have kid(s) even; but not my best friend.
We haven’t spoke in almost 7 years (the reason of why is not important), but had some intel about each other’s life. I’ve decided to go check on him, to see if he’s interested to hanging out or just to close a chapter in our lives.
Turns out, he was really happy to see me but as always, he was just too proud to contact me. (He was always like this, but in general he is the type of guy, who’s going to save your ass, whatever trouble you got into.No questions asked.) We spent two days to somewhat catching up, so we decided, while I’m in the country, let’s go on a boys trip, just like when we were teens.
We packed our bags, I screwed up the room reservation (I’ve reserved a room with a king sized bed, instead of a room with two beds.), but whatevs.
Everything was fine until second day’s night. We were drinking. A lot. We ended up discussing our sex lives. This was a little new, since back then, we really did not talked about these kind of stuff. I mean we had a talk about masturbating habits; our junks , we even compared them at one drunken night.
But this time, we really went into it. I shared some photos of my latest ex; he did the same and we told our stories with them. Then drank even more, because ‘you can’t live with or without them’.
Later on, somehow we managed to crawl back to the hotel, and I went to take a shower to sober up a bit, if possible. When I finished, I laid on the bed and waited for him to finish too; then go to get some sleep.
He came out, got in the bed and we continued to talk. Ever since I know him and when we had a sleepover, after light out we always had a ‘deep’ talk in the dark. I guess it was easier to open up or whatever. So it happened again. Mostly why I stopped to seeing him in the last 7 years; he understood it and apologized (for the first time, since I know him) and my problem has started:
He told me, he missed me as much as I did, but he does not has his ways with words, like I do. Then proceeded to telling me, he still cares about me. He finished all this with a kiss on my cheek.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the ‘untold’ emotions but in response I hugged him…as a lying drunk dude can hug someone. He hugged me back…and hell gotten loose.
To avoid getting moderated: we …did what men can do to each other in a sexual way. Then we fell asleep.
The next day we packed and while we were driving back home, he tried to bring it up, but I knocked it off with lame jokes. The thing is: I enjoyed it, but it should not have happened. It’s like something you don’t do to your best friend. I don’t think I am gay, nor is he. Maybe we are bisexual. (considering what happened) when we said goodbye to each other, we exchanged contacts to stay in touch. Then I traveled back home.
We talked since that several times,and he knows, that I have a problem with what happened on that night; and tries to talk about it…but usually when he starts to talk about it, I cut it and with find an excuse to stop the whole conversation.
My problem is:
*I/we did something… not normal
*because of the reason above, I’m scared to lose him -yet again
*not to mention, I think it was good…as in a one night stand can be, but nothing more
*I think at the age of 27 I’m sure about my sexuality, yet I started to question it.
*I just don’t know, how to handle this situation. (Believe me, in general and under pressure I can keep a very clear head in difficult situation, but this is something else.)
*I think, I’m feeling guilty about this.
*still asking myself: why?
In the meantime he left me a message, where he said he had enough of me, to being a pussy and not face the deed that had been done. He had written about his thoughts and whatnot; he cleared if anything changed, that he kinda feels me closer to him (is that even make sense? -as in grammar?). Also mentioned, he does not feel guilty about it and nor should I. We just -according to him- became closer friends.
I really don’t know how to handle this situation. I keep trying to think clear;and when that happens, I agree with him, then I think maybe I am overthinking it. Then, when I should speak with him (on camera) I just can’t. I feel like I have to avoid it…or avoid him.
I’m just…confused and don’t know how to sort it out.