I don’t have anyone in real life to talk to about this, and I need to vent.
A month ago, I found out that a friend had been to court and plead guilty for commiting a couple of crimes. Basically crimes he did when he got very depressed one night and got drunk, one of them being driving under the influence, and the other I’d rather not state pubically. He immedietly plead guilty when charged and was given some kind of community sentence rather than a jail sentence.
I know that he had suffered from depression for most, if not his entire life. I also know that he had issues regarding his sexuality. And I know that while he had a supporting family and many friends who he could count on, I think he still felt an extreme amount of shame and guilt over what he had done.
I found out during my work shift today from one of his friends that he had been found dead in bed. They’ve called the police and they are currently looking into his death. I think it is probably suicide, and to be honest, I’ve no idea how to process this. I tried to be there for him, and so did many others, but I find it difficult not to wonder if I could of done or said anything more. I wasn’t a close friend, but I had known for over 3 years now and seen him on a regular basis and talked to him about many things.
I feel even worse because after having that conversation in my shop about it, I asked my manager about whether or not I would be able to attend his funeral. She said it depends on when it is held, and that I can “probably” go. I actually had a flash of extreme rage when she said that, that apparently me being able to go to a funeral for someone she knows I had just found out had died was only a “probable” thing?
If she seriously wants me to work on the day I need to go to the funeral, I will refuse. She can fire me if she wants, it would go against my very morality to not go to this funeral. The next 3 hours of my shift I felt my chest feel so tight. I find it difficult to cry or show much sadness. It’s like my mind can’t process it but my chest and my literal heart feel it.
I’ve been playing Hitman 2 to try and take my mind off it, and wound up buying a large amount of KFC as my dinner. I have no idea what to think to be honest.