My sympathies. As someone who has been open about his own past racism, I’ve seen a lot of people who seem to turn away from that line of thinking like I did, but then either slip back into it or start applying it to a different form of discrimination. Based on this, my observation is that most people who think they are not bigots tend to stop there and assume they are ok just because they don’t consciously (important distinction here) dislike a particular marginalized group.
For me, my own progression is a constant, ever-continuing struggle to not slip back, either consciously or unconsciously, into thoughts of others different than me being somehow inferior to me because of it. And things slip through from time to time; I have an intrusive thought of the most racist, bigoted kind that just comes to my mind like a reflex because of my upbringing, and I have to pause a minute and realize what I just thought and pull on it like the reins of a runaway horse to bring it to a stop and throw it back into the dark, and reaffirm to myself that the reason I am not like that anymore is not because I just up and changed, but because I’m actively willing myself not to be.
Most people don’t do that. Most just think that they’re not racist or homophobic or whatever the case is because they consciously felt that they got over it once and now the job is done, they’re part of the resistance now. It doesn’t work that way. That kind of thinking does not go away, ever. You have to constantly work to keep your mind on track, to remember that everyone is a human being, and to direct your inner hate of other people toward real injustices, toward people who are doing wrong, not those who you instinctively think are being wrong by existing.
And even though I think I’ve done a good job of conquering and suppressing my racism, I still know my flawed areas. I’m still not the most open-minded or tolerant person on the subject of women and people who lead non-heterosexual lifestyles, and I’m fully aware of this. I keep it to myself, I don’t go spreading it around or talk about it with anyone, but the thoughts and beliefs are there. And even in that, I’ve noticed changes. Things that even five years ago may have caused me to bristle with irritation in regards to people marginalized in those areas of life, I’ve found myself wondering later on why I was so bothered by it. My wife says it’s because I read, and because I’ve a mind geared towards the field of criminal justice, so I place priority on facts and can clearly see the injustice being done in the world around me, and it’s making me more and more progressive as time goes on. I think she’s right, but the struggle to maintain that kind of thinking and to continue reaching new heights with it never, ever stops.
Didn’t mean to go on like that but reading your situation there got me thinking about my own history of having been struggling to stay off the opposite side for so long, and I needed to vent some. I guess I’m trying to say, as someone who would probably have agreed with the person who said that to you at one point in my life, I’m sorry for having ever contributed to such things, and I want to give a warning about the kind of people who you might think are enlightened and tolerant. If they are not regularly checking themselves for anything they might have said or done that could be offensive to someone more marginalized than themselves, and recognizing their own flaws, they’re probably not as progressively-minded as they believe, or try to get others to believe.
(though hopefully my parents don’t mind I made too significant of a purchase…)
