Hitman character roasts

A cool place for creating roasts on hitman characters. I would start but I can’t think of anything good.

Why did you create the thread then


khaki this thread is for roasting characters not forum members


Roasting as in fire kill? … just kidding :wink:

We kinda already poke fun at various Hitman characters through out the forum, don’t we?

I’ll start a Comedy Central roast thingy. All the targets come together and roast each other and Diana.

(Note: whatever I say here is in the POV of Penelope Graves, not myself. Also, it probably sucks)

A brunette young woman stands in front of a podium. Applause.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I am your host, Penelope Graves. I have no experience in theater or public speaking, but while I’m rotting underneath a lake of shit, the sick fucks who write this decided to toss me a bone. Welcome to the Corpsemedy Central Roast of Diana Burnwood.

Also in the dias is Sierra Knox. Oh, Sierra. How I envy you. You’re rich, famous, sexy, never drowned in shit. I bet Diana also envies you; you lived out her fantasy of her father not being blown up in a car.

There’s a reason you’re stuck in this Hell with us, Sier-bear. Aside from the gayness. Selling bombs to terrorists and dictators? You should have been in politics.

But I can’t blame you for acting the way you did. A father who hated you so much he blew your car up to get rid of you? Even Diana’s father just shipped her to boarding school when he wanted to get rid of her.

But I’ll take my crosshairs off you, Knox. Onto the Bastard of Banja Bollywood, Harvey DaWeinstein.

Dawood, you misogynistic shithead. I’ve seen scarier pirates on divorce trials. I can’t wait for your next movie where your chauffeur bashes your fucking head in with a whiskey bottle.

Oh, I can see those fuck-me eyes through those shades, Dawood. Diana used to play sidebitch to an Indian arms dealer. So you have a chance with her too, Sierra.

And speaking of cunts Diana dealt with to gain an advantage, aloha, Ljudmila, my sexy voiced friend.

Oh, Mila, your voice is enthralling. They should hire our- ahem, your actress for more roles. And you go around using it to flirt with every man and woman like it’s Love Island. Really good Russian representation there.

I mean, Russia is like the Capitol Building, or Diana Burnwood’s parents. You only hear about them when something horrible has happened.

Mila, darling, credits where credits due. Your plan worked-ish. Or it would have if your boyfriend wasn’t a complete knob. Never trust a white guy named Steve unless he’s from Stranger Things. Or Australian.

What was on that USB drive, anyway? Some weird porn of you? Blackbeard’s treasure map? Robert Knox’s love?

Now onto Arthur Edwards, the almighty head of Providence. We finally meet. Arthur, you look Arthur Morgan under chemotherapy. You look like Arthur Fleck if he sold car insurance. Isn’t it weird how we never saw Arthur and Erich Soders’ vengeful spirit in the same room?

Diana, your comic makes Joe Quesada look like Martin Scorsese, minus the Polanski business. A 14 year old running a murder-for-hire empire? Until it collapsed. It looks like every organisation you’re a part of gets irreversibly destroyed: the ICA, Providence, your family.

Oh, Diana, you self-righteous cow, lording all over us with your moral high ground. If you want to spend your life being a mass murdering psychopath and pretend that you’re still a good person due to having one friend, don’t work with a hitman, play Red Dead Redemption 2.

Thank you everyone! Sierra, you’re next!


Like a professional comedy central roast, nice idea.

Goddamn, that was awesome.