HMF Target Rap Battles đŸŽ€

Hitman General
167

Seems like you were itching for a way to rip into some politicians, weren’t you? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

He’s not half-stepping either but Francesca hits a LOT harder IMO. These solo battles you come out pretty damn cool. :+1:

3 Likes
168

Thanks, man. Any favourite lines this time?

1 Like
169

And also

Now as I read this again, I might have to reconsider the winner. That was sharp comeback.

3 Likes
170

Another very niche battle of a Red Dead character against a Hitman target:

Susan Grimshaw vs Maya Parvati

Susan Grimshaw:
I was picking off Foreman Brothers when this girl was playing dolls!
You’ll piss yourself when I diss you, a more incriminating trail than Olivia Hall’s!
Like your attempt at an accent, whoever set you against me must be joking.
This time it won’t be an accident when the bones getting broken!
Bluster as artificial as your arm! Why did Rose keep you at hand?
This bitch is in for a battering, and I know you fare against rams.
I’ll leave you more abandoned and humiliated than the Maelstrom did.
You were defeated by a haybale, I could crush you with a tumbleweed.

Maya Parvati:
I hoped for something passable, but that verse was fucking horrid.
Battling me’s like killing Molly, the whore will pay for it.
Don’t blame her and Mary-Beth just cause Dutch won’t give you any.
You turned Red Dead Redemption to Domestic Violence Hotline Miami!
Hold onto your granny panties, you’ll need more than anodyne to finish the job.
I’ve seen more intimidating Susies in Calvin and Hobbes!
Send your dogs against my men if you think that they are able.
After the battle, this old maid could wipe their blood off the table.

Susan Grimshaw:
That grenade must have killed your wit cause I see none in this bout.
Like your crew did when you got disabled, you should start moving out.
You’re devoid of charisma. Like Rose, I’m sick of all your talk.
Not a Strange Thing that the cause was something Maya couldn’t Hawke.

Maya Parvati:
For a veteran Wild West outlaw, I thought fighting’s a priority.
Grimshaw only gets in combat when she’s shooting down minorities.
Once had a fiancé but he upped and left you on your own.
I guess your chances are like your clients, they’re used to getting blown.

Susan Grimshaw:
Oh, you’re lecturing me on whoring? Don’t you Lords it over me.
The only action you’ve seen is when you’re shooting child pornography!
I don’t need to start an oil spill to set this girl on fire.
I’ll drop more than a car on top of Lucas Grey’s diversity hire!
Dazing Parvati more than the drugs pumped in a Herald.
Firing off in the second round cause I’m used to double-barrelled.
Like at 47’s gunpoint, she’s acting cocky as I beat her.
Put yourself on a cross, but I know how your people do on Easter.

Maya Parvati:
You don’t have much space when you’re talking talent.
Vernoff constructed her career out of Woody Allen.
You just nagged and beat and screamed til the girls got sick of your abusing.
Did jack shit as your gang turned away and left you like a Lazy Susan.
There’s a reason you have no guts. Now I’m taking you down!
Your gang led Natives to their Graves; fitting one of them put you in the ground!
Died alone and unloved with no one mourning your death!
You’re no Little Mermaid but Micah did put shells on your chest!

2 Likes
171

This has become a little hobby for you, huh? :smile: While I’m enjoying your work, you can hit me up anytime if you want to battle. :microphone:

As for the match, I liked Maya more but I might be a bit biased as I’m not too familar with Susan Grimshaw. Yeah, I’m probably one of very few (if not the only one) who has never played RDR2. But regardless, she wasn’t half bad at all. Maya lines just hit a bit harder for me.

2 Likes
172

Niche rap battles has become a hobby I guess. I’ve got about 5 more battles in production, 2 more with Hitman characters. Any favourite lines this time?

Who won?

  • Susan Grimshaw
  • Maya Parvati

0 voters

1 Like
173

I think overall that rap hits harder when there’s a ring of truth to it or there’s a level of perception about it. Like when Maya says

But when Susan says

It’s just an out of nowhere diss for the sake of making a rhyme. And overall it seemed Susan was reaching more while Maya is more on point. Just my two cents.

1 Like
174

It’s a really dark and low blow, but Susan’s diss is actually about Maya’s VO Traci Lords and her former porn career. All her videos were banned because she was 16 when she made them.

For the Maya diss, Susan, who is sort of the Team Mom of the gang, occasionally beats or yells at female gang members for not doing their chores or arguing with her.

175

I actaully didn’t know that. I must have missed it in her bio but if it’s true, I take back what I said. :+1:

1 Like
176

This line aged pretty well.

1 Like
178

I like reading your work either way so I don’t have a preference which is first. :+1:

179

I wrote this up for the US election. It’s not really Hitman-related, but in a way, it kinda is. Just read and find out.

Donald Trump vs Kamala Harris

Donald Trump:

Just sent Biden out of the race using just my disses!

I skipped over Noem because I can already put down bitches!

Might have flip-flopped on vaccines but I’ll put an end to Kamalaria!

KaMala Goldspice’s looks are half of what’s Melania’s!

Like your childhood friend’s stepdad, I’m about to get abusive!

It’s no wonder you love Yellowjackets because your coach is useless!

I’m humiliating a Kam Girl like I would on Election Day!

Kamala better Call Her Daddy, she’s getting sonned by Donald J.!

Kamala Harris:

You shouldn’t have gone all-in, Joe’s deck was hiding Harris.

Put an end to your malarkey and you’ll see why I’m Biden’s heiress!

Weird Godfather wants Part Three? Well, with another shot:

Kamala’s gonna kill a Don and an Orange will be dropped!

When disease came upon our country and ended innocent lives,

You led your supporters to their graves with your snake oil cures and lies!

You drove Ashli Babbitt into madness and then put her on ice.

I’ll drop ivermectin in your casket when I bury you next to your wife!

Donald Trump:

I didn’t wait four fucking years to lose to DEI Selina Mayer!

Kamala Harris:

You’re choking, get a better tie. I think know a Taylor!

Donald Trump:

Platforming Lizzo and Usher, your childhood friend would be appalled.

Better get your stylist, I’ll nail an Indian’s scalp onto my wall.

Kamala Harris:

Sure, Jan Six Brady! Don Demento’s ineffectual.

From girls to insurrections, you come in QA-non-consensual!

When your campaign fails twice, Republicans won’t let you run another.

I’ll be sitting in the White House while you’re rotting with your brothers.

JD Vance:

Started from the bottom, now this Ohio boy is coming in!

When I’m finished in this battle, you’ll be the one buried in Arlington!

“We’re not going back” will be funnier if it’s what you’re screaming in!

Should have saved more bombs for us, but you dropped most on Palestinians!

We’ll Make America Great Again when we get rid of you for good!

We’re playing Kamala better than Vaughn or Rudolph ever could!

But smart you stabbed Joe in the back and threw him in the gutter.

You’re just cutting out a cancer, like you couldn’t with your mother!

Tim Walz:

He must have gave you a JD AdVance fee to make you cross the schism.

Called him American Hitler X, and now he doms you like in a prison!

Kamala’s parents loved her and that is more than you could say.

Your daddy left you as a toddler, so you never saw the light of Donald Ray.

Your addict mother gave you more trauma that your desk job service ever will.

Is that why you worked for the company that hooked her on those pills?

Kamala’s got the ball now, your campaign can’t be saved.

Trump will dance with the Devil while I Walz on his grave.

JD Vance:

After your DUI, you should be used to clumsy movements, Tim.

I thought the media shills for you, so where was your twelve-step programming?

Tim Walz:

You’re a smart kid, son, so why’d you join this racist grouch?

The only white kids you ever had were ejaculated on a couch!

JD Vance:

You’ll call me President Vance in 29’, when the presidency shifts.

Earlier if Trump’s gets McKinleyed: either 47’d, or 25th’d.

Donald Trump:

Wait, what-

BANG

Thomas Matthew Crooks:

Yo, it’s Tom from Butler County, here to give you all a shock!

I didn’t cast my ballot but I still put Donald into a box!

I-

BANG

WHO WON?

YOU DECIDE!

VOTE!

  • Donald Trump and JD Vance
  • Kamala Harris and Tim Walz
  • Thomas Matthew Crooks
0 voters

Remember to vote in real life too!

2 Likes
180

Two of the top Marvel and DC villians that ran for office. Who would you vote for as President?

  • 50%Lex Luther

  • 50%Wilson Fisk

This 50/50 split got me thinking maybe these two should have a debate to break the tie, in the form of a rap battle of course. Anyone interested?

2 Likes
181

I’m working on writing a couple battles right now, poll decides which one I publish first.

  • King Charles III vs Caroline Kennedy
  • Nancy Wheeler vs Piper Wright
0 voters
182

As promised, Nancy Wheeler vs Piper Wright

Nancy Wheeler:

Straight outta Hawkins, this Indiana girl will end your talking

Of course fake news and libel would come out of a Boston Bombing

You’re more disgusting than a Demogorgon, I’ll put an end to all your lies

When I blow the head off the worst queer journalist since Bari Weiss

Let’s see if you’re such a chatterbox after I crush these pipes

Post-apocalyptic Laura Ingraham will fade away into the night

Labour your sister to sell papers, and when she tries to talk, you just ignore

So when Nat moves out forever don’t you wonder what the Fallout’s For

Piper Wright:

Hold on a minute, Blue, I’ve got a new enemy to face

Looks like a Reagan-voting family sprayed out Nancy Wheeler Mace

If child labour’s what you sneer at, then why do you copy?

You would be guest-starring on CSI if not thanks to Millie Bobby

You failed Emerson and quit, but I think it still ends happily

Now you can bond with Maya’s dad on how you both lost an Academy

Grok hurt your sister worse than Vecna. Here’s news that you can trust:

The predator you’re shooting at should have been Elon Musk

Nancy Wheeler:

Go turn into a zombie, you would make great buddies

With the other hungry Ghouls empowered by dead bodies

If you prefer Jimmy over Reagan, here’s what shouldn’t be ignored

You and Carter got where you were only thanks to worthless Fords

Piper Wright:

You burnt out with Jonathan because you were over Heaton

If you want get some backup, I’m finally open for a threesome

Get the Buckley girl, I can make you both a deal

Drop the guns, get up to bat, and I’ll leave you both on Wheels

(radio feedback)

Robin Buckley:

Did someone call my name? Rockin’ Robin’s back in style.

Your friend took Travis to save Scarlett and I think they’re both away for Miles

So while they’re gone from here, you’ll have me at this station

It’s fifty-five degrees and nuclear fallout radiation

And a game Railroads you into one path or another

Your garbage made a man try to put a bullet in his brother

Nance will riddle you with bullets and reunite you with your father

When you’re dumped in the Charles River, you’ll join Matthew Perry underwater

Nick Valentine:

Get to my office, Buckley, I think that we need to talk

Doesn’t take a detective to deduce you’re played by Maya Hawke

Never worked your way up, had your choice of roles since you were born

So you starred in Do Revenge where your character spreads Latina porn

Now I will give you this, your talent cannot be disparaged

But I see you chose this role to have parents still in a loving marriage

Something that you’ve got yourself now, but back to Robin: you’ll have none.

Either poor writing or neglect left you and Vickie Dunne.

-

Robin Buckley:

Drop the meta humour, Roomba, you won’t want to go there in this tussle.

Has an A-Lister career left Stephen’s feathers Russelled?

Won’t need Dr. Amari here to have me picking at your brain

Nuclear fallout fucked your country but left a more pleasant-looking Maine

You promised to find a boy, but like your brother, you’re a liar

Shaun turned to ashes and left your friend the Sole Survivor

An unsent Valentine shouldn’t talk of romance either

Your country and your girlfriend were both iced out by a Winter

Nat Wright:

Extra! Extra! A new Wright sister’s come to rap.

Dyer ignores you out of envy so you’ll be glad to finally talk to Nat.

Feast your eyes on, by default, the best newspaper in world

While I could legally watch your romance since you never go third base with your girl

Your characterisation peaked in a bathroom and then it went to shit

So put that funny hat on and serve me some ice cream to eat

Or I’ll pick up my Swatter and you’ll stop looking look so pretty.

You want to ask directions? Get the fuck out of my city.

Piper Wright:

Nat! Language!

Nat Wright:

Humph. Sorry.

WHO WON?

  • Nancy Wheeler and Robin Buckley
  • Piper Wright, Nick Valentine, and Nat Wright
0 voters
183

Next up


Tom Cotton vs Ted Kennedy

Tom Cotton:

Straight out of Arkansas, I got this battle down on lock!

Aren’t you too old for toys, Teddy? You’ve got Jack in a Box!

The only one thing on which you live up to the talk is

You are the King of Mass, that’s why your girl sank like a rock!

Your Nazi-sympathising brother sure got a Kick out of his wings!

Both the water and your whiskey helped muffle down her screams!

Dead marriage like Peltola’s, but I will give her one thing:

It took a plane propeller to snap off her wedding ring!

Ted Kennedy:

Take the Cotton out your ears, son, and take the stick out of your ass!

I don’t want talk from rotting nerds, so don’t give me that Ben Sasse!

I’ll put Tommy in his cot, your career should have stayed at municipal!

Your mommy led a school, so why did her boy hold no principles?

Spending your time alone? Wife’s not down to bone!

From skin to speeches, you hid your hate with darker tones!

You’re so boring and lifeless, you’ll forever be unknown!

You live in Virginia because you don’t want to go back to your home!

Tom Cotton:

You’re losing worse than against Carter. Could you at least just try?

If you want to needle Cotton, at least get it to a tie!

Ted Kennedy:

Such a waste of a good soldier. You should have stayed in the Army, Cotton.

You would have had a better legacy being flown home in a coffin!

Tom Cotton:

You kept the trauma of your dad’s abuse all bottled up inside,

Til you drowned your sorrows with Kopechne and then she fucking died!

When I’m facing Pondi Rice, I’ll tell you what I’ll do:

Mary Jo will finally rest in peace when I get Harry Reid of you!

Ted Kennedy:

You’re a new combination, Tommy, both the sick animal and the vet!

You’re a tall Bush, like a tree, but instead Charlie got the axe!

Stirred such hate and cruelty, and what was all that for?

Just the first man killed in action during a culture war!

Tom Cotton:

Sure, Senator Maya Hawke, you would know what’s worthless Gore.

You sucked off Clinton like Monica, and they still showed you the door!

Al still came closer to the White House. Tell me, who was your run for?

We fired the first Kennedy after three years, we never would Ed Moore!

Your family used an icepick to keep your sister’s antics hid!

Lobotomy exposed your weak skulls long before the gunshots did!

Tumour locked a limousine liberal permanently out of the driver’s seat!

I’ll say you should say hi to Tatiana, but she’s in Heaven, so no need!

Ted Kennedy:

What kind of soldier lets a draft-dodger pardon his insurrectionist monsters?

You were always a subservient coward letting old men give you orders!

From Army to Senate, you always lied about your range!

I pushed through my tragedies and mistakes, but you could never change!

Healthcare, college, civil rights, led by Great Uncle Teddy!

You want to take your shots? Let’s settle this like gentlemen then, shall we?

But like American businesses under tariffs, you’ll finally take it in the neck!

I’ll make my apologies to your sons when I send you back home as a folded flag!

WHO WON?

  • Tom Cotton
  • Ted Kennedy
0 voters