We Didn’t Hire The Hitman

Cue the music to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire”:

Agent 47 woke, voice on the intercom spoke,
Wake up, Friend, big day,
Passed the tests and then escaped.
ICA, Diana, test his skills and stamina,
Soders’ trial, does not yield,
Cleared for missions in the field.

First mission, Hong Kong, assassinate Lee Hong,
Then Ochoa, Fuchs brothers,
That’s not all, still two others.
Jegorov and Kovacs, finally learn the truth at last,
48s, Ort-Meyer,
Time for them all to expire!

We didn’t hire the Hitman,
He was always killing,
If there’s blood, he’s spilling.
We didn’t hire the Hitman,
No we didn’t pay him,
But we love to play him.

Sicily, Vittorio, shootout in Gontranno,
Back to work, such a drag,
Smith’s shorts are the US flag.
Opera house, shot with gun, now who is the hunted one?
Bleeding, flashback, feeling guilt,
Still survived, that’s how he’s built.

Competition, Franchise, don’t tell me that’s how he dies!
Leland Cayne, wheelchair,
Brand new clones, these ones have hair.
Burnwood, poison, funeral, Silverballers’ clips are full,
Game title is Blood Money,
Now I’ll just kill everybody!

We didn’t hire the Hitman,
He was always killing,
If there’s blood, he’s spilling.
We didn’t hire the Hitman,
No we didn’t pay him,
But we love to play him.

Fifth game not the finest hour, shoot Diana in the shower,
Dexter, Travis, Lenny, Birdie,
All to save a teenage girlie.
Killer sent to save the day, can’t beat linear gameplay,
Action game called Absolution,
Plot threads get no resolution.

Four-year-long vacation, World of Assassination,
Episodic map release,
Always online, none too pleased.
Shadow Client, Providence, Constant knows a lot of tricks,
End of Era, Farewell,
Untouchable, Sniper Mode hell!

We didn’t hire the Hitman,
He was always killing,
If there’s blood, he’s spilling.
We didn’t hire the Hitman,
No we didn’t pay him,
But we love to play him.

Latest game has sure lived long, nine years in, still going strong,
Just concluded Year 4,
Is that all? Nope, there’s more.
Elusive Targets, Contracts Mode, multiplay gave up the Ghost,
Bonus Missions, Patient Zero
Seven Deadly Sins, here we go.
Holiday release packs, roadmaps have begun to slack,
Escalations, Arcade,
Keep giving us more stuff to play!

We didn’t hire the Hitman,
He was always killing,
If there’s blood, he’s spilling.
We didn’t hire the Hitman,
No we didn’t pay him,
But we love to play him.

Murder simulator growing, signs of poor decisions showing,
Weird deals, bad feels, needless DLC won’t heal.
Failure of communication, Disruptor sex allegations, ET reruns getting old,
missions separately sold.
Bugs, glitches, game crashes,
still not fixed with any patches,
Freelancer Hardcore,
I can’t take it anymore!

We didn’t hire the Hitman,
He was always killing,
If there’s blood, he’s spilling.
We didn’t hire the Hitman,
But when we all are done,
The hits will still go on and on and on.

9 Likes

This will sound silly, but your post made me able to find a song that used to be stuck in my head for about a week. I didn’t know the words, just the general tune of the “we didn’t start the fire/it was always burning, since the world’s been turning” bit.

5 Likes

If I may ask, which song was it? Was it this one, or it just helped you realize which one it was?

2 Likes

It was We Didn’t Start The Fire, but for a while I did not really care about music because I hadn’t found the genre I truly liked yet (EDM), so I barely paid attention to song or artist names.

2 Likes

You got me to thinking of a rework for Cold’s Just got Wicked into something related to Hitman, or KFC. :person_shrugging: Well, I can only get the opening verse.

I can taste your Bi-hiscuits
Warm and Flaky like Colonel made ya
Everything tastes oh so nice
Rubber Duckers JUST GOT BISCUITS!!!

After that it’s harder to work with. Anyway, seemed funny enough to me to not share it. Maybe have to throw in something about Honey Sauce™.

Does this count as a derail? :thinking:

Not really. I encourage anyone else to come up with a parody. Titling the thread Hitman Parodies just didn’t seem like a catchy enough title, but it’s meant for anyone else to give it a try.

1 Like

This post made me think of another song that could maybe be worked into a parody.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9Faycr50sI
The first line could be turned into “A head without its hair” perhaps, lol.

2 Likes

Brand new clones “these ones have hair”

:joy:

2 Likes