It’s been a while… beware, the post is quite long. just bitchin about life, you know.
I tried to be positive in the other post, as positive as I could. Truth is that, I was on the edge; in the darkest, deepest state I’d ever been in as I never could’ve imagined one can get like this. I won’t go into details but I think the fact that I’m alive has a bit of luck mixed with it. (Or maybe skill issue, I dunno)
From February until early April, everything seemed to be good. I was having quite fun times finally going out to a sport club, my attempts to make some friends seemingly worked (I mean, I was going out with people, I even got invited to a birthday party. That was progress for sure), I went on a long vacation and most importantly, my educational situation couldn’t be better. A few of the forum residents were also helpful during that time with their advices.
I mean, even my parents weren’t in the “Asian” form. What else could I want from life?
All until then that a set of catastrophic events happened, each of them making the next one worse. An emotional chain reaction.
The vacation was the hell itself. Except the single day I stayed with the friend in Izmir, the rest of it was being blamed for nothing on everything. The “friends” turned out to be total assholes. I was out there again, alone. Sticking more and more to my laptop for IOI, staying in my room all day as the parental pressures started to grow wild.
At a point, I didn’t want to fail the exam not because of I wanted to succeed but because I couldn’t tolerate them. It doesn’t help when you know the only reason they want you to succeed is, to use it as a tool of flaunt around their mates.
That + hearing “you’re the best in the world” since I was 5, made me scared of unsuccessfulness. I mean, true, I was the best in elementary school but that isn’t even close to the point where students actually compete. I was seemingly good enough to get into Sampad, where I found everyone, or at least 80% of em equal to me if not better. I was lost in the fact that, “there actually are better people out there” and that was the thing that I had never learnt from them; not just that, I had to be the better one no matter the cost.
A week from the exam, there’s them, my old pal loneliness, the intensity of the studying, not having any irl emotional support of any kind and suddenly this question is sparked: What’s the point of my life? What am I actually going to do? Will I be happy with my choices and the life I had in the past 30 years later? That’s right, now I’m in a total existential crisis.
Those around me have always had a Tony Soprano point of view on suicide. Whoever does that is a wuss who can’t deal with his own problems. But at some point you tell yourself, is it worth it anymore? Why should I even care about them?
The failed attempt knocked me down for a week or two. I either deleted or logged out of any account I had, (except the forum which I did the night before) to take a break. From everything. Stranger things? Fuck it. Hitman modding? also fuck it. Studying? you must be kidding me. Sleeping all day? There we go.
2 or 3 days ago, I was feeling a bit better so I called the guy in the UK who practices speaking with me, with a free topic. I talked with him about it and afterwards, I was even better. I tried to clear my mind and answer a few question to make a roadmap for the next few years with a look on a wider timeframe, say 10 years. Now I know a bit better what I want to do that also makes me happy, who am I doing it for and what impact does it have on others. For doing it, I’d try to be a bit more realistic. I still have to deal with my self-problems though I guess having a destination might make it better. Socializing is still a missing piece of the puzzle.
P.S. I gave the exam anyway, a few days after the attempt. Fucked it up bigtime though the results will come in mid July. Nothing to be worried of for now.