My dude is back from the hopital woop woop 
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Gotta get this one of my chest. I think Im struggling with the inability to get into close contact with women (a.k.a the love zone) while also suffering from the fear of ending up alone.
It still happens from time to time that friends deny an invite for fun plans because they want to plan stuff with their partner. At these moments Im left alone and feel abandoned by the people I dig the most. On moments like those I end up doing nothing and being bored while theyre out having the time of their lives. I also want to experience that and not feel miserable all the time. I too want to be loved by a girl and do fun things with her. In my 23 years old life I have never had a girlfriend. You cant believe how pathetic I feel about that. Im often being confronted about it, and lemme tell you in those instances I want to die on the spot.
My mates often conversate about going on holidays with their girl and even thinking about living together. Thats when Im afraid Iāll be left in this teenager stage and I will never be able to grow up like in the way I want to. You could say: focus on yourself, enjoy single life, dont put it on a pedestal. But frankly thats easier said than done. I could do the things I like and go to the gym 7 days a week and still feel like shite in the same moments. There comes a moment where I want to stand on my own feet with someone on my side but it seems to me Iām not able to.
I mentioned I have trouble talking to women romantically. To be clear: Im not autistic or anything like that. In my social life and even my work I talk to women with no trouble. Its when a women flirts with me I switch back to a 12 year old kid not knowing what to do and ready to flee. I feel like that way Ill dodge the bullet. When I was a young kid I flirted around with a girl in my class. I was the loser who got bullied, so when the pricks got word of it I got kicked to the ground and publicly humiliated. Like I wasnt allowed. The bullying completely fucked up my confidence and since then I was always on my toes. A few years back I talked to a cute lady in my class and because of my romantic incompetence and fear of rejection the conversations bled to death. Another sign for me that I cant have love. Or a twisted voice in my head saying that I dont deserve it (or so it seems). So every now and then when a lady looks at me the right way, I turn my head in fear. Not knowing what to do and saving myself a rejection. To not experience again what once happened.
I told this to my friends. Ofcourse they understand, but it wont change the situation. As long as nothing changes. Im left with only female (and male) friends and no girlfriend. Miserable and alone.
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Sorry in advance if it was too descriptive. I feel it could help me.
The school took us to a camp for 3 days, around 40 of us. There were a group of 80 students from another state residing in the same camp. We were staying on the ground floor whilst they were already on floor 1. Floor 1 included a shared dining room.
Yesterday, the popular football match El ClĆ”sico was being held. Being the ātechā guy, I was asked by others to set up the TV present in the dining room around 2 hours prior to the match. I took my laptop there and tested the possibility of streaming a match with the available equipment, it worked. I left the laptop there and went back to my room.
15 minutes remaining, I left the room to set up the match stream and call other rooms to join. Half way to the stairway, our principal and a classmate stopped me, claiming the situation up there was not quite ok. āKids started fighting, their supervisors separated them while utterly cursing and hitting them. One boy was taken out of the building as punishment by one of the supervisorsā Curious to find out more, I took the path to the bathroom which had a view of the stairway. A supervisor was yelling at a kid, and some were crying.
Realizing I wouldnāt be able to set the match up given the constraints, I went out of the building to get some fresh air. Thatās when I saw the boy. On the ground, right near the front door (not visible from inside), lying on his chest and stretching his hands forward. Only having a glance at him, first I thought he was looking for something, though I couldnāt find a thing after a quick look on the ground. Thinking he might be playing hide and seek, I looked back at himā¦ His body was shaking, his body was locked (the body was shaking as if it didnāt have any bone joints), his eyes were white, his mouth was foaming. I have no idea how but he managed to mutter ācall helpā in that situation.
I ran back into the building, yelling much louder than the angry supervisor āYour student is having a convulsion, front door!ā. He didnāt care. Some kids, realizing it was the same person taken out (possibly concluding something out of a part of the story I didnāt know) started to call the supervisors as well. They still didnāt care; So, I yelled as loud as I could, āMan, your student is dying! Come down!ā which somehow convinced one of them to take the situation seriously. I mean, youāve brought them from another state, you are to protect them. Take a look and beat me if I was lying, that aināt hard for you mate. I was too shocked, I forgot to call an ambulance. The supervisor lifted him up to a table. His body was like a piece of wood, gravity couldnāt beat his body lock. His arms and feet stayed at the same weird position as when he was on the ground when he was lifted.
The supervisorās face was yelling I aināt got no idea what I should do with this. They decided, in all seriousness, to put a garbage bin aside the table in case he puked while foaming. So, our principal quickly came, turned him to his side and struggled to open his mouth canal with a tissue. The boy, being able to breathe properly, instantaneously started to cry and shout āI canāt see, I canāt see!ā.
The camp was a bit remote so the supervisor decided to take him to a hospital himself, instead of calling an ambulance. They did that 15 minutes later because the boy ālookedā better. I know. I know man. But I donāt know whatās going on inside of him, take him to a hospital!
He was taken, ultimately. I found myself crying, mixed with headache and nausea. I kept walking in the camp that night until 2AM, it was freezing cold and rainy but I couldnāt sleep. My brain was keeping his picture in front of me everywhere I went. I cried a lot outside and went back to sleep.
Iām still shocked but further thinking what wouldāve happened to him if I didnāt randomly decide to go outside. Iām still not sure if it was convulsion or seizure, else if it was caused by the beatings of the supervisors or the stress pressure they put on him.
The supervisors though: yelled at students, cursed them, hit them, forced them to stay outside while it was cold and rainy, refused to check on a student who was reportedly ādyingā, had delays in taking the boy to the hospital and the list goes on. Complete assholes.
I canāt stop thinking about him. Oh god.
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damn, thatās heavy, man. sounds like youāre in shock. you did the right things given the circumstances. youāre a good man. 
iām not going to lie, stuff like that sticks on you for a good while. i promise you, its impact will dilute somewhat over time. that was a hard thing to share and i gotta commend your bravery in doing so. bottling it up would be the wrong move, so if itās still overwhelming you in a few weeks, make sure you share that.
and listen, those supervisors? they donāt sound like assholes, man. negligent cunts is the preferred term.
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Thanks man. Itās indeed better after a few days but crap I canāt get rid of the image even in my sleep. Itās just there, with less effect as time goes on.
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I wasnāt so active here recently, because things got much worse. I am on sick leave for six weeks now. My job sucks and I just donāt enjoy it anymore. I have been diagnosed with depression and burn out. On Thursday I have an interview with my current employer, but for a different field and I hope so much that I get the job so I can finally have something fun and challenging again 
Papas condition is also much worse. He lost much weight because he isnāt able to eat. He says he kinda has some ādisgustā against food and drinks. The metastasis on his kidneys got much bigger, so he is in hospital now to get a radiation there. He was always optimistic, but now he starts being frustrated, especially because he wants to be at home. I call him everyday, we make jokes, we wish us a nice day and after every call right after hanging up I cry. I am still having problems to deal with all this and accepting this. Of course, you know that your parents will die at some point and you also see that they are getting older, just as I am getting older. But to see my fatherās process of decay accelerate like this now overwhelms me 
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Sorry to poke the wounds, but I was curious how things are going on this, @Mini?
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Itās all good, I actually think itās really nice that youāre asking @Heisenberg 
Itās still up and down. Last week I had the interview with my current employer and was quite confident, but then on Friday my boss called me and said that I lacked the necessary experience for what I would like to do. That was very disappointing and right now I feel a bit more desperate again. Iām going to talk to my boss again personally, because she spoke about another offer. I hope itās something suitable, because otherwise Iāll have to resign and look for a new employer 
My dad is also sometimes well and sometimes not so well Since the radiotherapy for the metastases in his kidneys began, he has had less abdominal pain. But he has continued to lose weight, is very tired and generally no longer very capable. It is hard to see the man who was always my āstrong heroā so weak, you understand what I mean? 
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Sorry to hear that. Not many turn arounds for either of those issues, but hopefully things will improve on the job front, and so long as your father isnāt in agony. Small victories in a merciless world I guess.
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My dadās going to have to go back in for surgery in a couple weeks.
He went in for another stress test to check how his heartās working after the surgery in Feb, and they found he still has the V-tach from before the surgery (apparently caused by a minor heart attack he once had, but never noticed).
He was kept in the hospital after the surgery for about a week to recover and also to see if the doctors could regulate his V-tach (irregular bursts of heartbeat), which they kinda-mostly did, but it never went away completely.
So heās still got to go under the knife, this time to hopefully fix that irregularity (Iāve heard that theyāll have to cut into his heart, burn away the damaged/dead muscle thatās causing it, which should clear it up and heal whatās left). 
ugh freaky
Heās a little disappointed in it. We are going to Halifax next weekend to see my sisterās final Theatre project for school, so heāll have to stay home instead of coming with us ā but our plans for that were up in the air for a while, so this just confirms he wonāt be going after all.
Heās mostly disappointed he still wonāt be able to start driving again for another several weeks, as he was due to be cleared to start driving sometime this weekā¦
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I wish your father all the best @TheChicken and hope he will be alright 
I donāt know what to say atmā¦ maybe some of you remember my friend who had a stroke last year? She had a small surgery again and there were some complications and now sheās in an artificial coma again.
And for Papa, well, he lost some weight again, 25kg all in all now. He has good times, but also very bad times. Today some woman from health insurance was at our home to look if he needs some resources, like a chair for the shower because he canāt stand so long and stuff like that. It feels so surreal, to see him like that and to know it will just get worse.
I donāt know how to feel atm. Iām just feeling very emptyā¦
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Thanks for the well wishes Mini. I hope that your father can also get through this kidney ordeal and persevere with all these procedures. Iām sure heās being as strong as he can to beat it and keep his (and everyoneās) spirits up.
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Iāve got a big issue with pushing myself to self-tape an audition, just to get back on that acting wagon and focused on my real life-goal.
I keep trying to do it, but itās so much to think about, and it doesnāt get doneā¦ until maybe soon? Hopefully?
For context, even after many sessions in the past 1.5 months with my therapist, I leave feeling hyped and confident in my abilities, but when it comes to sitting down with the audition website, itās tough, stressful, and overwhelming.
I still love the theatre and acting, heck, even after seeing a friendās performance in a fringe production a few weeks ago ā I was hyped and gushing about her performance after the show ā something inside me is horribly afraid of doing these auditions (that I havenāt had practice in for nearly a year now).
I can glance at the audition site now without worry, but thinking about all the steps and futures of picking, filming, sending a self-tape is too much.
Even the feeling of self-reward I canāt get myself to push through it. The lego I got back in Dec., that I havenāt built yet ā part of that is because Iād have no room for it ā but mostly itās because I want to do it as a reward for doing something in Acting ā my passion!!
And back in Feb/March, I even upgraded my PSPlus account to Extra for my remaining year ā the tier that gives you access to a huge library of games to download ā with the caveat that I wouldnāt let myself use its benefits until Iāve sent in something for an audition. But 2 months later, still nothing on that. Thatās justā¦ disappointing, I canāt even reward myself to do it.
I have at the very least sent in a headshot and resume to 3 projects looking for candidates to pick for an audition ā as the past 3 weeks have been slow for people of my skin, height, age, etc. Except for one role I could have tried to audition for, but I let it pass me by in stressā¦
But I at least did that small, one-step task, and pushed my worries away by only focusing on the present.
And this time, my therapist and I are going to meet again in 1 week instead of two, and this time I will just try a mock self-tape. Find any old monologue, memorize it, film it on a good enough background, get it done in one week, should be no problem and removes the stakes of a professional self-tape, but gives me the experience of one, kind ofā¦ Fingers crossed.
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Sounds like you have a bit of performance anxiety or stage fright which is normal. I have an idea although Iām not so sure if itāll actually help or not, but maybe post a solo audition on the forum? Who better critics then us, right? 
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Though keep in mind the forum is a bit too public, and there certainly are āinvisibleā visitors who arenāt active posters/likers.
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True enough. In that case, maybe post it in a PM and invite a select few.
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Guh, yeahh, I dunno about thatā¦ 
Iāve barely revealed my face here anyway so I donāt think so. I agree with Hichkas that this is a little too public of a place too.
Holding myself accountable to someone is a decent motivator thoughā¦ but I still donāt think Iām comfortable with thatā¦
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What if you recorded a fake audition tape? Do multiple takes, get silly if you want to, or explore the range of emotions from subtle to overblown. When watching it backā¦ I donāt know if it could be done, but try to disassociate yourself fromā¦ Whoever this āstrange and mysterious personā 
is that sent you this rehearsal video. 
My thinking is that maybe itāll either make you comfortable with watching what youāve done, or give you a better idea of how to temper your acting, and hopefully make you feel more confident in making and submitting content.
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Thatās what Iām gonna try to do this week 
And this time, my therapist and I are going to meet again in 1 week instead of two, and this time I will just try a mock self-tape.
Thanks for the advice anyway, makes sense 
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Incoming plot twist. 
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