If it helps, I know how you feel. Last year no one except my wife said a thing about it (except for this forum). I actually called my mom, who is 80 and yelled at her about it. No cards, no cakes, no gifts, not even a phone call. Not only is it depressing, it feels insulting.
But I got over it and you will too. Itās a fleeting feeling that passes fairly quickly.
It all boils down to what you expect from life and how you squeeze that into your day aside from boring adult sutff like work, pay bills, cook, eat, sleep, parenting and so on. (unless some of that means fun to you) Sometimes you have just little time to socialize with others, and there are periods of time where that is basically every day.
Ideally you endure that because it brings you to a point you want to be at. But as life also sucks sometimes, you also do that to not get further away from that.
If you have the free time and are energized enough to do something else you like, just do that! And if that happens to not include other people, that does not need to be bad or wrong.
It is good you speak about this here and Instagram, but you might also want to seek professional help about your feelings to not get into some kind of spiral. I am sure, even though you might be now confused what it is all worth and where you want to get to in life, a future you might appreciate you did such a step.
By the way, I am also yet another here who is not throwing birthday parties. I also have most social contacts online. But for me the Internet is not an escape but another window in life, and while I want to increase the real world social life, the online sphere also helps me at finding people locally with common interests.
People I or you can reach online are also real people, we just mostly have not long enough arms to give the needed, physical hug. The trick is to find at least some where they are! 
Suicidal thoughts are neither stupid nor immature. Iāve been in your shoes and honestly, a part of feeling that way comes from parental opinion about suicidals. Mine think theyāre scared cowards which wasnāt of any help.
Itās still heartwarming that you found a reason to continue, and I sincerely hope for more of them to stumble upon you 
Curiosity: We humans were always curious about what came next and what was beyond the horizon.
Earth is not flat, and the sun is not revolving around us; we know that now.
As gamers, we are waiting to play Project 007, curious to know what Project Fantasy is. Will there be a Hitman 4? Only time has the answer.
As an artist, we want to learn more about our art. More about learning other art. Inspiring people and mentoring trainees.
How will technology be after 100 years? Will it be all VR goggles?
As per Darwinās evolution theory, we have a purpose in this world as a human being species group.
Unfortunately, the people who lost to COVID could not see what we would learn. Life is precious.
I would actually have to argue against this one. If humans had a purpose, we wouldnāt be curious, weād just fulfill our purpose and then move on. The fact that we are curious suggest that we are devoid of purpose and are trying to find something to do with our existence due to an inherent lack of it. To that end, for some (not myself), a lack of purpose is a welcome thing, because it allows one no end to possible exploration to find what fits your personal sensibilities.
Sorry, compulsion to respond to that one was too strong to ignore.
Agree, I meant Purpose as a human being group (not individually) - Darwinās evolution theory
Ah, gotcha.
Oh gosh, I wish I had time right now to respond to this, but Iāll do it later if this is still up! sorry 
Iāll at least write this little thing
āContinuingā with your life for the sake of a promise, or an upcoming book or game or concert is not stupid at all.
The world sometimes really sucks and that small bit of motivation to see things you like come to fruition is okay!
You are totally worthy of love and support, and Iām sorry youāre not getting that IRL!
Youāve not amounted to nothing though! Youāre a talented artist and animator, and you still have plenty of time to put those skills to use!
biiiig fluffy hugs for v1deost
Abbas Kiarostamiās Taste of Cherry beautifully represents how an ordinary incident can change your insights.
Iāve suffered through depression and suicidal thoughts about 2 years ago. It can be caused by multiple things piling up or just a single trigger. Iām sure youāve heard it a ton already but you are cared about and appreciated. Sometimes our brains can just hate us and fill us with thoughts that deep down we know arenāt true. But Iām confident that while the path ahead will be bumpy you can get through it. And know whether it be friends or family irl or online youāre not alone. I know thatās how I felt in 2021. I felt alone or that I was disappointing, annoying, or a failure to my friends and family. But when I reached out for help and told people how I was feeling and the terrible thoughts I had I saw the immediate response and love from everyone. And considering all the responses in here so far it seems to me there are many people who care for you and we all hope you can be happy.
Iād also recommend if you havenāt yet to find a therapist or psychiatrist. I know going to them helped me significantly get through the rough patch I went through. 
Uh wow. I did not anticipate this much input, it means a lot. Iām sorry that I couldnāt reply sooner, because yesterday I was very out of it, to put it mildly
I guess it was less so about the birthday itself, but having it exist as a reminder of time running out, lonlinessā¦and seeing people I loved not really care. It made me examine everything more strongly than I already was. Itās like, if I were gone, would it matter? Have I even done anything worth remembering or made any substantial progress, career wise? It was almost like seeing a preview of that reality. Didnāt help that another job rejection letter came through that day too.
Itās a shame that some of you have felt this way and can relate though, and Iām extremely sorry to hear that. At least weāre not alone.
Iām really glad they were able to help you! Thatās great and I hope you continue to feel better. However, I donāt have the funds for that, so itās just about how to cope with this right now, for me
Thatās a great point. I actually mentioned how I felt to my mother (omitting the suicidal part - she has enough problems of her own already), and she said it could help to join some of the local clubs that our community has. Even if itās something like fishing, gardening, whatever. Simply getting outside and interacting with anyone can improve your mindset, so they say
It meant a lot to hear these things and be reassured that this feeling wonāt last forever. Thank you for the responses, @jan342 @EvilGeniusRo @schatenjager @Urben @Hichkas @zubin47 @TheChicken @HerbGamer and to everyone else who liked the post. I value your support a lot and it helped to read your different perspectives and affirmations. Even if I still donāt feel 100%, itās still better than yesterday. Again, thanks guys. Iām sorry to be annoying about this on here.
There isnāt much I can add that hasnāt already been said. I will say though, a club can really help out. Last year, I got persuaded by a co-worker to join a games club that does Warhammer 40k. Go there every Wednesday for 3 hours and it gives me something to look forward to, means Iām talking to people outside of work which I donāt do much of. It doesnāt have to be anything super in-depth or anything, just something to get you with people. I find it a bright spot when I have very bad weeks and very negative thoughts gives me an outlet.
Needless to say, you are worth it, and you have achieved stuff in your life and Iām sure will continue to achieve stuff, even if idiots around you donāt recognise it. The 3 pictures I commissioned off you still mean alot to me, and I know Iām not the only one who can say that. Also, you and anyone else on this thread arenāt annoying for posting here. So many of us do go through bad stuff in different ways.
Iām glad youāre feeling at least a bit better today. Any progress is good progress.
It really sucks to try your best at something, and yet still fall below expectationsā¦
Did I mention on Sept. 5th, it was my 1 year anniversary of working at starbucks? This makes this following conversation especially difficult.
Near the beginning of the summer, I had a chat with my manager about my performance and how I was still falling short of being 100% independent on bar/till.
I had been moved to strictly afternoon/closing shifts (since thereās more downtime) to also try out if that benefitted me.
Just had another chat after my return shift just now, to check in on that.
(Honestly itās been like 2 months, I thought everything was going okay. Not reallyā¦)
Heās noted feedback he got from supervisors over the summer, and Iām still not at the level of independency needed to be 100% efficient. Partners generally shift in to cover some slack in the 2nd bar or till, even in generally slow periodsā¦ which is not good.
He also noted that apparently (and he stressed multiple times that itās not because people donāt like me ā no oneās said any issues about me as a person) that I tend to give off a sense of anxiety or stress or being flustered, and that once I leave a shift, partners feel less stressed about their own positions.
Thatā¦ was really hard to hear. God damn it.
I know that in general - and especially at this job - I have a sense of stress or anxiety about it. Social anxiety sometines makes it hard to interact openly, and my processing disorder makes my brain on catch-up mode all the timeā¦ Try as I might, thereās still some part of me thatās on edge about keeping a big mental list of shifting tasks, or swapping between drink recipies quicklyā¦ still, Iām sad that it seems to be rubbing off on othersā¦
Iām a little surprised by all this, and a little not, since I do know that people have been shifting in to help me at bar/till tasks over the summer, and I should be mostly covering it myself (especially in our slow period when we have fewer people during any given shift).
At the very least, my manager is a good guy, and while at this point it should lead to a write-up of some sort for me - not being up to the standards of the job - heās belaying that for now and weāre going to see if the Starbucks Accessibility group/program has any help or special condition they can allow me, so as to keep my job or keep me from being below the required expectations of thisā¦ (unless I inherently am unable to fulfill the conditions of the job which would be a big issue).
Godā¦ this was a lot to be thrown at once. I really didnāt know what to say to my manager other than I agree that part of me still finds this job mentally difficult and right now I have no idea if I should be really sad about it or accept that its true Iām not up to parā¦ 
Edit: fuck. No. Iām Really not doing good with this 
I always found that Starbucks having very obtuse expectations for workers at their locations. I havenāt worked as a barista, but what I can say is serving coffee isnāt particularly an occupation I envy given customers are very particular and specific with their orders.
What I can say maybe a change is in order. It isnāt for everyone, but bartending I always found to be easier compared to learning the intricate details of a dark roast and a breakfast blend.
I say this from experience and itās something I encourage the future leadership at my job to look into since youāre opening new doors and opportunities. Bartending is as simple as remembering drink recipes and just having a good personality. Plus I found people buying alcohol to be a lot nicer compared to people ordering things like a burger. But thatās just me.
I hope things improve, Iām not insisting you quit on your job if you genuinely like the work. Because at the end of the day what matters is youāre happy doing what you do and no one can take that way from you.
Thanks swang 
As it stands, I donāt want to think about looking for another job right now. Donāt even want to consider it.
I like this job I have. Its not entirely fun all the time, but the people are nice and the consistency in shifts my manager has tried to keep me in has been nice.
It also pays pretty well with some great insurance so thatās a good bonus.
If you asked him to not involve you anymore, where is the dilemma? That you actually want to help him by being part of it?
That and the fact that he might be involving me without prior notice in a way that Iād be left uncalled. Next time will surely be his last time though, I have the options to make sure of that.
Had a chat with my mom, and while I do know that Iām a lot less stressed than I was in the first 3 months of having this job ā I canāt deny that Iām still probably living in a anxious state while at work, as itās just what the job demands of me and what I need to do to get through it. But Iāve been in this anxious state so much, I just donāt notice itā¦ yet others I guess do, and itās affecting themā¦
Maybe I need to get medicated after allā¦
Hey @TheChicken hope youāre feeling a bit better. I think it is clear that you have put a lot of thought in to the pros and cons of your job. I am also glad that it sounds like you have a supportive manager and you work with people you like.
I just wanted to add to what Swang said. Job hunting can be very hard and stressful, especially when jobs offering mere minimum wage and no benefits think they are entitled to an employeeās full dedication and loyalty. I hate constantly having to retype up my CV for websites that demand I fill in their pointless questions and refuse me just uploading my CV. For 2 jobs I applied for recently, jobs I actually did really want, I ended up doing the applications at the last possible minute due to how much stress it caused me, even with me actively wanting the position.
But I do want to throw up the suggestion that it might be an idea to occasionally do some casual job hunting. By that I mean, go on Google, go on a popular job site (in the UK would be a site like Indeed), search within 10 miles or so, and just see what comes up. Sometimes it can be worth just seeing what is out there, and seeing what jobs do exist. Obviously youāll get lots of results for your typical stuff like retail, but sometimes you can find more obscure jobs that might make you think that it could suit you. It doesnāt hurt to look.
Personally, I could never be a barista. I worked for Subway and Greggs (a UK coffee sandwich pastry chain) and lost both jobs because I was never fast enough. I just didnāt have the natural quickness those jobs demand. My manager for Greggs was bad, all she did was increase my anxiety and criticise me alot for not learning the job fast enough. I was told to do upselling to customers at the checkout. Like if they were buying a coffee, say they could get a deal if they bought a pastry with the coffee. They said I would be evaluated on this, so I made sure to memorise all the deals and always brought up with every customer I served. My manager criticised me for sounding like a robot to everyone we served because of this.
It can be hard, and it is obvious you are putting alot into it. I think you should at least be proud of the fact youāve nearly got a yearās service under you now. Iām sorry to hear you are so anxious and stressed.
Stay safe. I finished watching Bluey on Disney+ by the way and need to write about it at some point. Very good show.
Aw thank you, buddy
Iām dealing with a lot right now, and currently still got my mind on checking what the Accessibility group can do when I call them this week, and what Iāll need to talk about with my therapist when I see her, but I guess I can see what I can do about looking into a cursory search of jobsā¦
Itās always been a tedious process with confusion on what I might like/be fit for, vs. what I should attempt to get just in caseā¦
Thanks for confiding in having a similar experience too. Itās silly to only think of it now, but itās good to know that not everyone is best at this kind of stuff, and donāt always hold onto the job easily either. Sorry you couldnāt keep up too 
You finished 3 seasons of Bluey eh? Thatās likeā¦ 150 episodes.
Iām only 2/3rds through Season 2. And thatās like over the course ofā¦ idk I think a year? Wow, you did that fast.
Episodes are short but I like to ration them out if ya get me.