Maybe its time to move out? Its serene pleasure to come home to an empty apartment where you dont have to compromise with anyone.
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Thanks for the reassurance. Iām sure itās also my brain itself exaggerating all the things I want/need to do in a way more intense manner than it really isā¦
Still, I do need to put more effort into myself, my sleep habits, and my hobbies/goals.
Iāll admit Iāve been a very bad night owl and Iāve tended to stay awake till 3am for the pastā¦ many months. Not good. Especially during days when I need to be up by 9:30 at the latest to get ready for work.
Acting. Auditions. God, I love going out to see a play, a musical, a movie whatever. It fills me with joy and inspiration and man I just really want to do that stuff too!
And yetā¦ the tedium of audition research, the anxiety of waiting (and never getting a call-back) have felt so deflating in the past itās been hard to push myself back on that train. (Especially when Iām still feeling stressed and drained from work -despite doing pretty well at it these days).
And heckā¦ freaking drawing!! Whenās the last time I posted a doodle on here? A cute little chicken?
Yeah, I do some stuff offline on my own, but it usually doesnāt go anywhere and is unrelated to what I wanna post here. And I want to keep posting art. I enjoy it. Iām sure others do too. Itās a fun way to connect with the you guys too!
So, when you sayā¦
I say, thank you? But also, you must have had a change. An epiphany at most, a point in your life where you decided: No. I will be responsible and do X Y Z to better myself. And over time, you did, and now you DO!
Soā¦ I still feel a little worried (and maybe a little ashamed?) That most of the past 2 years has felt mostly stagnant in my social life and routine.
But yeah, thanks though 
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I think Iām way too stressed currently.
Itās becoming adverse.
Iāve been having muscle spasms for the last few months.
So far, so bad, yet usual.
But for the last few weeks it went a bit in the deep end.
Iāve become irritable as all hell.
Iāve woken up multiple time punching, or tensed up in a stance.
I sleep even less than usual.
For some reason my body decided to go into high gear when I was shopping in a supermarket. While my mind was a third derealising, surprised by it all; a third mapping things out; and a third asking me to collapse down.
Iām doing the respiration technique, meditation and other exercises I was taught, but it barely works right now. I guess at least it keeps it at bay, and me functional.
I hope it will slow down during the holidays.
I donāt know. Iām just tired.
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Yesterday I ended my relationship with my boyfriend.
After a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion Iām not capable of loving someone romantically nor fully willing to commit to a relationship of that kind. We still are friends and ended in good terms. After all, I think it was unfair for me to hold him back of finding someone who could actually give him the constant affection and care you are supposed to give to a partner.
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Update: I did the recipe. I didnāt really follow any measurements but it came out edible. Parents liked it. Thanks.
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I got dragged to another church sermon. It was Christmas season, so there was a cute little play about a talking lamb and King Herod killing all the babies.
I tried to ask out one of my church friends, but I fucked it up because Iām an autistic moron. At least I have a reason not to go to another sermon.
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Ah yes more tales from āThe Good Bookā, if you had a buck every time a biblical King of Israel suggested infanticide as a solution to their problems, you would have two bucks. It isnāt a lot but it is weird that most Christians call this āthe good bookā but think GTA will turn you into a mass murderer.
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Well, in fairness, The Good Book isnāt trying to get you to behave like the baby-killing king, and GTA is asking you to be a mass murderer. Only digitally, but still. Herod is explicitly the bad guy who you are not supposed to cheer for.
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I donāt know about that one chief, I know a lot of Christians who believe shit that would and have killed more infants than Herod ever could. Also the third most pious state in the US has its highest infant mortality rate (that being Mississippi).
Only towards cops and I bet cops around the world have a higher infant mortality rate than all the Twelve Tribes ever did.
But what if I hate babies more than anything else in this world? What if I am pro-infanticide? Try Devilās advocating this one, Mr. Moral Majority!
Hence why I said TGB isnāt trying to get you to be a baby-killing king, and I was careful to phrase it that way. What āChristiansā try to get you to do is another thing entirely. Not only are they not really āChristians,ā most of them havenāt even read TGB and wouldnāt know who Herod was, but theyād probably think he was a feminist democrat.
Not true. Towards other gang members, and thereās the kill frenzies and other such challenges.
Hence why I said who youāre not supposed to cheer for, just as youāre not supposed to cheer for Darth Vader or The Joker, and yetā¦
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Thanks to you guys Iāve spent like an hour last night reading King Herods wiki pageā¦
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Hey, expanding knowledge never hurts (and Iām looking at you, American Christians, on that one).
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Hey everyone. Itās been a while since I actually posted something here on HMF besides lurking around. But itās also something Iād like to talk about, so here goes.
My boss called. We had a long discussion about what other co-workers think of my job behaviors. At first, itās about not giving enough support, or rather, not lending them a hand in a right way, which lead them to think Iām a selfish person who only picks easier tasks to do. I never saw myself in such way and felt wrongfully accused, so I was pretty shocked, sad, and angry about this statement. However, she also pointed out that I am constantly affected by my emotions. A bad interaction with a customer can make me act out a bit, like cursing and playing loud music through speaker without considerations about others. This is the reason why none of my collogues were willing to tell me that. The monster in me scares them.
Today I discover that I am not the good person I think I was, nor is the online helpful guide I used to be when I was new to this site. Truth is when I am off my duty, I am just a loner troll who returns to cave, seldom socializes and always keeps its distance away from anyone, even those who tries to get close to me. Joining society and working out how to interact with people is difficult.
Anyway, I am still glad she called and thankful for this. It kinda changed my perspective about her being a careless employer. I mean, she could have not cared about it and just let go of me after a certain amounts of complaints. But she made sure that even my co-workers, despite not directly speaking to me, still believe I can change. And you know what? I will. From now on, I will dedicate to help them in everyway I can. And about me being over-emotional and acting out, thatās a lot harder to improve but I will try to as well. Thank you all so much for listening to me rambling. I wish you all a great holiday season! 
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Hang in there buddy. Merry Christmas.
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I lost the love of my life. Iām not sure how to cope with this. I know itās my fault and I feel like a terrible person.
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Iām hesitant to ask, but by ālost,ā which way do you mean? Both possibilities require a different kind of healing.
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Itās a reasonable question. I made some mistakes and she decided we couldnāt be together anymore.
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I donāt know your circumstances but me and the love of my life had split up for a year too, but we found back together and we going to marry this June.
Donāt lose all hope.
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Oh buddy Iām sorry. Better to have loved and lost though than to never have loved. Time heals all.
This wonāt be helpful yet, you need time to grieve, but after that remember there are plenty of fish in the sea. Youāre a sharp guy. Iām sure youāll find another when the time is right.
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Iām not trying to call you out but I kinda suspect that people who say this donāt know what it is to lose love. But then again, I never fell in love with anybody and Iām doing just fine, thank you! 
But joke aside, I am sorry for your loss Sean.
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