I have had my fair share of lost love Mano. It takes time before you feel that way about it. For a while you just want to die or you think youāll never be happy again, but eventually you realise itāll be ok.
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About 3 weeks ago, I had a big falling out with someone I had been friends with for over 10 years. The cause of the falling out was my fault. But she also said some things that I think were out of line. In the argument, I think she got angrier that I wasnāt more emotive. I think she incinuated that my depression wasnāt something that I had, that I donāt appreciate how lucky I am. I had told her of my autism but I think the argument showed that she didnāt actually understand it. I worry Iām making excuses for my own behaviour, but I do feel bad for the argument for it being my fault but for also realising that someone I thought knew me didnāt know me at all.
Really, as of late, I just feelā¦ disconnected. I do perk up when Iām talking to people, but I struggle to really connect properly. I think my default is to try and be positive and praise others. I feel I have no real talent or qualities or skills to contribute, so I try to make up for it with enthusiasm and positivity. But after talking to people, I often feel like all Iāve done is perhaps annoy them or be overbearing. That Iām a burden on other people.
Iām worried that the anti-depressant Iām on, Sertralin, is causing my apathy to get a lot worse. It has made me feel a lot less sad and down, but it also causes me to feel very blank and empty. Honestly, with the type 2 diabetes diagnosis, a part of me just doesnāt care about it. I donāt want to take care of myself, I mean why bother, I donāt like being me. I donāt want to be me.
Iām very tired. Iām meant to do a check up with the doctor this week, Iāll ask them about the medication.
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Never ever, ever mistake positivity or kindness for a weakness or think it is some useless skill. There are so many people in this world who are or become huge assholes because it is so much easier to be a bitter prick than it is to actively want to see the good in others.
If being nice, genuine or not, wasnāt a real skill then I would have been given one of the hundred PR or secretary or receptionist jobs I have applied for over the past year. Either way and I know it is probably the advice you want to hear least (because it is the most obvious) but you may not just simply have found something you are truly good at.
Just experiment and take a chance on a hobby but more importantly just stick with it for a while. You are a Sonic fan; maybe join their art community, maybe take up programming like the Sonic Mania team or even make an abridged series or something to experiment with video creation. The internet can always use more positive people on it, now more than ever.
I mean if they minimised your depression then I donāt think they understand mental illness. If they wanted you to get as angry as they were then all that means is she just wanted to have an argument instead of a mature discussion or meaningful resolution.
Autism or not, not getting as angry as she was is the mature and correct thing to do in any argument even if the other person thinks you should be mutually angry. Anger is another emotion you should never let people feel they are entitled to have.
People are often more forgiving than you think they are even if it never really seems like it. We all really like you, sure you never see our faces but never once have I felt like it is a burden to talk.
I am no medical practitioner but that sounds a lot like emotional blunting, which is a common side effect of SSRIs. That sort of shit is why I never asked to be medicated at all, it fucks you up and if you quit when it is too late then it can fuck you in other fun ways.
Between that and the suicidal ideation (common in children, teens and young adults taking Zoloft) I would recommend you do talk to your doctor and I wouldnāt leave anything out especially the suicidal ideation. They will need that information if they need to reformulate your current dosage or when prepare alternative medication.
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Thank you @Accidental_Kills98, that means a lot. I do want to emphasise, Iām not suicidal. I donāt want to die. Itās more that I just want to give up, stay in bed, never leave the house. You may be right about it being emotional blunting, but I still do get periods of happiness and sadness, Iām not totally cold. I just really donāt like myself, how I look, how I talk, I feel constantly awkward around others, especially in public spaces. I think the problem I have is that the Diabetes is invisible, and so hard to really perceive it as a problem when I canāt see it. I have made big diet changes and started doing more excercise to combat it, but itās going to be another month before the doctor does another blood test and see if my level goes down. Iām at 51, the goal is to hit 41 which would take me out of diabetic range. I just have no idea how much work or time it takes just to go down one point, let alone ten.
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I feel the same way at times and I am not on any meds. They are very sucky thoughts to have and that is precisely why I never entertain them.
And that is precisely why you should do all of those things and dot them more that you do now. If all you ever did was maintain the same old you that makes you unhappy then you will make yourself unhappy. If all you ever did was avoid the public then all you will ever feel is an aversion to the public.
It will probably be hard, harder than anything in your life so far and maybe harder than what comes after especially if you fail. But every time it feels hard just ask yourself: āIs the person I really want to be a diabetic?ā You and I know the answer to that my friend.
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Thanks @Accidental_Kills98, I appreciate the kind words. Iām going to bed now, and sleep on them. I plan to call the surgery in the morning and see if I can book an appointment. Hope youāre doing well yourself.
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I am well enough, I take each day as a plane lands.
Any one I walk away from is a good one.
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You HAVE talent. You ARE a good person. Thanks again for helping me with that one thing.
As to the way your autism and drugs work, I canāt help. TALK TO YOUR MED PSYCH. I donāt know how it works in the UK but in the US you have talk therapy with a non MD who then talks to your psychiatrist once a quarter about your meds. You also talk once a quarter. Here all you have to do is email you Pysch and they will converse with you. Talk to them! Iām not taking anything away from your therapist but the psychiatrist is a fucking doctor. Talk to them too. They are all real people. They will help you.
Hang in there SILVER! Youāll be ok.
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Thanks @Yacob, I really appreciate it.
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Today a drunk driver hit three cars in front of my house.
Two of my neighbors and me.
Fortunately for my neighbors they didnāt get the worst of it.
For me the left-most part of my bumper is hanging loose now and thereās other debris from my car that I have no clue where it belongs.
Most likely gonna be making a claim through the womanās insurance provider so that I can get the body-shop repairs covered for whatever it takes to fix it. Just waiting to get the police report.
In the meantime some temporary ingenuity.
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Oh man! Iām glad you werenāt in the car. See if her coverage includes a rental for you. If not perhaps yours does even if the main claim for repairs is through hers.
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Got another job, this time part-time as a barista caterer. They stuck me in an office and I ground the beans and brewed coffee for few hours. Earned $45. First job I wasnāt unceremoniously fired from, not bad.
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Funny enough I started a new job this week too, currently in training, salesman for the SAT-like course I actually took myself.
There are ups and downs because in training itās mostly measuring us for every answer but yeah, fun.
True advice, itās a part time job and youāll probably move on to something better so just try to have fun and not to get fired.
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First time posting here. I hope thatās okay.
My cat is dying.
Unfortunately, he has had a large tumour on his neck for the last few months and because of our financial situation (my parents are pensioners in the UK and do not get much from their pension, nor do they really take care of their finances that well), we were avoiding a large sum of treatments because just going there sets you back at least Ā£100, and then apparently its an additional Ā£80 for the needle biopsy to see if the tumour is cancerous. Who knows what other costs there are (including that of the lethal injection to put him down)? It has become clear that it is indeed cancerous as it has rapidly spread to his whole neck in just under a day. There was a lot of mess because he tried to itch it away but that went as badly as you imagine it could have done. Wasnāt nice to see at all. We know we have no choice but to go for the final option because I doubt heāll be able to eat much now that it has gotten this big.
Heās lived a really long life of 14 years and itāll be a shame to see him go but I am grateful for the memories I have had with him.
Because of the myriad of mental health issues I have in my mind, death is a topic that I often think about and have become consequently desensitised to such things unfortunately. The traumas of an abusive childhood notwithstanding of course which added to those sentiments. I know mortality is an inevitable result of every single living being in this world. Still, Iām sad to see him go. In truth of it all, he is a big reason as to why Iām still here today. I tried to end things permanently last year before my 21st birthday and if it wasnāt for him meowing for my attention, I donāt really know what would have happened otherwise.
I donāt know whether posting this here is a good idea. I donāt want to trigger anybody. Everybody has their silent battles and I have a lot of empathy for people. I donāt want people to suffer as much as I have done for all of my life.
For the moderators, I totally understand if this level of detail is too much for this thread. Iām really lonely and coming on here seeing loads of discussion lurking in the background is quite nice. So Iām grateful to this forum for that. Thank you and RIP Nico. 
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Know what youāre going through, friend. Went through almost the exact same scenario with my dog three and a half years ago. Sorry for what youāre experiencing.
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Thank you for your kind words of support, I do appreciate that. Iām very sorry you went through similarly. Itās really difficult to describe but everything someone can feasibly imagine as negativity in your mind, itās that x100 every moment of every day. Depression is really soul crushing especially when youāve gone through it for so many years. Anything that is positive gets turned into a negative. Itās that constant fight in your mind.
May your Dog forever live on through the warmest part of your heart and memories 
Thank you again for everyoneās kindness.
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Today I found out that I can mimic human emotions better than expected. This realization came due to an unwanted lunch with some people I donāt like at all. Every time we see each other is awful. At least I can say it was better than most times. Iām not sure if I should be concerned about not expressing emotions properly. Just wanted to say it out loud, even if Iām not actually saying it, but rather writing it.
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Hmm. My email accurately flagged a very suspicious message as āspamā from earlier today, though itās still a little worrying.
The only good thing is that itās incredibly vague so itās most likely fake, but the 1% chance it could be real does make my hair stand on endā¦ Anyways, just so you know whatās on my mind:
I got this plain email about how āooh, Iāve known you for a few months now ā gained access to your computer, all its files, and even your webcamā¦ I will begin sending out your personal information and photos from your device to all your contacts and online in 2 days unless you pay me in Bitcoinā¦ā
āalso if you want proof, email me and Iāll send over proof to one of your contactsā ā not sure if thatās just broken english or a malicious ploy.
Obviously Iām not gonna do a thing (other than scrub my computer for viruses) and no, I donāt have anything incriminating or illegal to worry about leaking. Justā¦ still, having your personal information and non-consensual photos get taken is a worrying thought.
Iām usually very safe with online browsing and do my best to double-check and avoid any suspicious links or sites. So, I donāt think my setupās been infected.
But I guess Iāve gotta wait 2 days and see what happensā¦? 
ADD: Both me and my dad I know have been getting random spam messages every now and then for quite a while now ā usually trying to masquerade themselves as a fake Netflix account issue. (Your payment has declined/account will be shut down, please sign in with this link to resolve it) ā though they are all so obviously fake either due to the random email, grammar/wording, or completely broken formatting lmao.
IDK if spam emails like this are common for folks, or weāve just gotten unlucky with our emails somehow getting out. But still, so far any sort of āmalicious hacker/phishing schemeā email Iāve seen has been obviously fake, gets a chuckle, and immediately deletes.
This one seems more targeted, so it definitely made me pause. But yeah, itās super vague, has no indication itās speaking to Me specifically, so itās probably nothing.
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The last thing actual spyware would do is wave at you and asks to be removed. 
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Iāve gotten that email before. It didnāt worry me at all because I have this little plastic slidey thing thatās always over my laptopās webcam. So no one could see/record anything, since I put it there about 2 days after I bought the laptop and have never removed it. I just deleted it and, surprise surprise nothing ever came of it.
Lately though I keep getting emails about how my icloud is going to be suspended and I might lose all the data in my precious icloud unless I pay NOW.
I do not have an icloud. I do not even own a single Apple device. Scammers are trying very hard to get peopleās personal info. Ignore and delete.
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