Do you want me to say Iām sorry my first apology wasnāt good enough so I apologise once more? Do you not see how odd that is mate?
??? I think Iāll just step away, this is getting too weird for me.
Everyone has nuance in their life, your statement given is how weāre gonna interpret what you did with a majority of your time. So yes with the information youāre feeding us, you by extension are allowing us to interpret it in anyway we want within rationale.
This is the last thing Iām gonna comment on with this. It sounds like a generalization of culture and that by no means should inhibit oneās ability for meaningful conversations. Your father can be pig-headed, but your culture isnāt an excuse for you to not do better. Iāll simply say this, take our feedback and advice and try to find solutions in them. Donāt search for excuses, thatās whatās gonna inevitably hold you back on growth and doing better. It often takes uncomfortable situations and breaking what is our norm to achieve new heights as people.
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So hereās an update on me and my situation. So whilst my cat is no longer with us unfortunately, Iāve been remembering him well and Iāve got plenty of reminders of the good times that I shared with him.
Recently, it was actually my birthday on the 7th of May. A few of you kind souls on this forum went out of your way to wish me well and say Happy Birthday, something I really am grateful for. You know who you are! Birthdays for me have always been a challenging affair, simply for the fact that theyāve always reminded me of the fact that I would be a year older on that day, and a year older into a life I still have many bad feelings towards.
Iāve always ran away from being the centre of attention, something which is a long term character attribute of mine. Itās another reason why birthdays have never been my thing - for instance, Iāve never once had a proper party ever nor have I even celebrated the day itself properly for more than a decade until my 22nd which was this year. One of my four sisters came down from where she lives to where I live and Iām really close with her. Iāve told her a lot about my mental woes, but not everything, as I know she got very emotional about me beforehand. It was really nice to have a change of scenery from the usual people I talk to day to day which are my parents, the two of whom I am not on good terms with as mentioned beforehand.
It was really nice to be able to forget the sad moments for a good time. The same goes with work too I suppose. Iām working more and more hours these days because I tend to find that my depression is concentrated most when Iām stuck and trapped at home whereas at work, I can put my mind to something and work with other people to remotely feel ānormalā. Itās a complicated way of describing the feeling but perhaps I am not going to be the only one who feels like it. I donāt want to say Iām running away from my problems, but maybe I am? I donāt know. I know my answer would remain the same if someone offered me a chance to reset my life or asked me if I didnāt want to live anymore as I donāt feel like I have much if anything to live for at the moment.
I still have no real idea what direction I will take my life in. There isnāt much opportunity at all for a young person like me in rural Devon. Sorry if I am rambling. I rarely ever get the chance to speak my mind these days, mainly because past trauma and living within an emotionally closed off culture in our family means any opportunity I took to speak out about my true feelings of discontent, were quickly shut down and I was made to feel like the whole problem. Thatās what it has always been like when talking to my parents. And then they accuse me of not talking to them, yeah, I wonder why!
Thank you for reading this everyone and once again I deeply appreciate the support, kindness and recent birthday wishes. I got a few nice gifts and bought myself some more Taylor Swift CDs which is a small recent pet project of mine. I really love her music because her some of her lyrics really connect with me in terms of the feelings of loss, disassociation and heartbreak. 
Thank you all and please take care!
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I canāt lie and say āI know how you feelā because I donāt, not completely at least.
Iāve been in a situation where my life was out of trails and I wanted to occupy myself with so much but that ended up being worse for me, I neither did important things I was supposed to be focusing on nor it improved my life, on the contrary actually. Why did I do it? To have something toā¦ live for, maybe? Just to not be like, just existing (because I would do bad things if I didnāt do anything).
The truth is, even though it may not seem like it sometimes, there is always something to live for. Try learning something new, or working on projects like you are now, because at least it will keep you busy, but probably will do much more for you.
Itās good to have someone to talk to, especially if itās family (your sister), and Iām sorry that you donāt get along with your parents. The best thing to do with toxic relatives is to avoid them.
I suggest inviting your sister over more often, if that feels good to you.
I wouldnāt say youāre running away from your problems, you found a way to deal with them (partially ar least), and thatās great!
Regarding work, Iām not the best person to talk about it.
I hope that this helps you a little and that everything works out for you!
Take care!
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Thank you very much! Yeah, itās definitely something me and her are trying to do as much as we can. Sheās busy working at university and for her hospital patients so she has limited time but Iāve always told her that itās thoughtful of her to come down and visit. So thank you.
Yeah, I mean, Iāve discovered a lot about myself since getting a job last Sept 2023. I learnt a lot of new social skills which has given me a new lease on some part of my life, so to speak. I do enjoy working (and rarely that sentiment is felt in a place like retail) but honestly working the quiet peaceful night shift is a good move in comparison to the trapped feeling Iād have with my parents at home when Iād have to listen to their forced diatribe about life in their eyes (which is completely at odds with what life is like for a young person with cost of living, inflation, lack of opportunity/incentives) as well them placing disappointment over me because I never went to university like my other sisters did.
I am planning on a few projects - I dedicate a lot of time to moderating a game website (Tank Trouble) and have been doing so since the age of 12 which I consider quite the feat! I am also trying to learn several important skills like driving and also general financial planning management. All of these skills I have to do so on my own, because Iāve never had any real assistance from my parents, whom are disinterested in me mostly other than wanting to receive their monthly rent payment of Ā£400 a month from me (I completely understand rent from normal landlords is much higher, but in the area I live in, coupled with the fact that I have no real independence or freedom to live as I please in the house as I have to put up with them shouting all the time every day pretty much even when Iām trying to sleep after a night shift!/them expecting me to do the housework etc, it really is not the best). I feel like Iāve only put up with it for so long because of how pitiful I feel my courage is to put up a fight. Mainly because I tried before, and I donāt want to become homeless in a town 200 miles away from anywhere I know well.
All in all, I deeply appreciate the response and thank you to all who read. No replies are necessary, I just appreciate this forum having the space to vent and speak about my feelings in a safer place.
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I just found out that my credit is pretty bad. I was aware to some degree, but like several different areas of my life I was trying to avoid finding out the severity. So hereās how it is. I started being really bad with my credit in 2018, the last year that I lived alone in my apartment. This coincides with some mental health issues that had begun to arise around this time, and also when my Hitman video output dropped by roughly 90%. I spent all of my available credit that year with hardly paying any of it back, and then I kept that up until 2023 when my card expired. At the time that my card expired, I hadnāt made a payment basically all year. At that point in time, I was coming off the heels of drug abuse and a head injury so I was hiding from absolutely everything in my life aside from taking care of my cat. So when they sent me a new card but it didnāt have an activation code, I kind of just ignored it and used it as an excuse to stop abusing my credit card.
Itās two years later, and I finally tried to get a new card reissued. It turned out that my account had been suspended, and I needed to pay off my card in full in order to get it unsuspended. Iāve since learned that even after paying it off like they requested, my account still does not meet the criteria for reactivation because of my horrible credit score.
My credit score used to be perfect. I didnāt just pay it off every month, I paid off every purchase I made within hours, I did not fuck around. When I went to apply for insurance when I first moved into my apartment, they had to make sure I understood that my credit was incredible because it looked like I wasnāt aware. I was, I just didnāt see it as a big deal because it had always been natural for me to stay on top of things.
My life has gone to shit. Iāve ruined everything, and itās all that I think about. So I just sit in my bedroom and continue to ignore my life, because if I have to really face what Iāve done the weight will be crushing.
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Iām no professional, but I can always hear you guys out and try to give some sort of help.
I know that it seems that you ruined everything. But you need to stop thinking about that all the time. It wasnāt your fault. As you said, your life used to be perfectly on tracks before, what stops it from being on tracks again?
You had a shitty time, Iām sorry for that, that kind of stuff happens. A lot of bad things happened to you at that same time. You wanna make your life better. The fact that you tried to reissue your card only show that.
Financial issues suck, and Iām not sure if you have an income source, but thereās always opportunities for you to get your life back in order. Some call it fate, others call it coincidence, but when you need it, itās always there for you. Everything has a purpose, even if it doesnāt look that way. I know that you can do it. I trust you.
Iām sorry that I canāt be of much help. Hell, I have mental complexes of my own, and I donāt have a clue about finances. I can only hope that things work out for you soon.
Take care!
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Having a bad credit score is not the end of the world. It only matters if you choose to take up more debt.
I donāt know your entire situation, but if you have an income, the most obvious step is ājustā to spend less than you earn and put the excess towards debts. When you get into green again, youāll feel much better. It may take 2 years, maybe 5, it doesnāt really matter how long. If I were you Iād plot out some calculations for a timeline and start tracking my spending to see if I could save a bit more in some areas.
Youāve got this, mate.
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Hey Iām a little late with this but wanted to tell you that you havenāt ruined your life. This is a temporary bump on an otherwise perfect road in your financial history, and although the bump is a large one you will overcome it. You need money to live, but your life is worth much more than money.
Firstly, well done for being able to look after your cat in spite of everything youāve been going through. Like pissfloyd said, itās about cutting expenses a little and using the savings on that to start a repayment plan. But I get that thatās never easy, and itās scary when debt increases with interest. Often in these situations, it can be difficult to save at all because youāre already living near the bare minimum. You also have to think of your own happiness, you canāt cut out every luxury and enjoyable thing you buy just to satisfy the credit card company. Money is a useful tool, but it really gets in the way of living when we donāt have much of it.
Iāve written you a list of things you can try, to slice a little money from your expenses. Some of them are old news, but if any of them are helpful then try them. If you can cover the capital and the interest on your debt, you can make a start shrinking them minus figures.
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If you have a phone, you can download apps for the stores you visit, to get discounts on things you regularly buy (though at the expense of your data privacy). Loyalty cards work the same way too, but only if itās for products you were going to buy anyway.
You can also charge your phone at some cafƩs -
Walk as much as you can instead of driving or using public transport
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Buy things from local stores instead of online to avoid shipping fees
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Shop around for bank accounts with a good interest rate, where you can tuck a tiny fraction of your income. There are also online only banks like Wise or I think thereās one called Revolut. Depending on the currency, you can get 4% pa but the useful thing is savings interest is paid daily, not yearly. Yes itāll be pennies, but itāll be pennies off minor expenses and you can access them immediately.
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Learn to make soups. You can make a batch of filling soups that last you several meals and can be frozen for later
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Instead of ordering takeout, use YouTube tutorials to learn to make it yourself
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If you do have an expense like booking something coming up, book it in advance because often itās cheaper that way.
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Buy your Christmas gifts in the new year when everythingās 99% off. Make it small but meaningful things, so theyāll store easier in the bottom of the closet.
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Take stock of your items and sell the ones you no longer need. Sometimes you forget about that shirt youāve got tucked away because it hasnāt fit in years or that decorative thing someone gave you that isnāt really your style.
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Linked to the last one, cancel any subscriptions you donāt really use
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Buy from thrift stores/charity stores/whatever you call them where you live. Police auctions too.
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Only go to the store to bulk buy things, and not for regular trips because of the increased risk of impulse purchases
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Limit the amount of times you eat out and try to cook at home.
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Put a bucket in your shower/sink to collect run off water and use that in the cistern to flush the toilet. That oneās for if youāre a homeowner, at which point a water meter would be good too. You should still use regular flushing water on occasion though.
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Try to borrow things from people you need temporarily like a hammer or a vacuum cleaner, instead of buying them outright. This does depend on the item, of course.
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At the supermarket, check the items at the top of the aisle and at floor level, which are the hardest to read and often are cheaper. More expensive things are at eye level. You can also compare weights and prices to see the true cost per pound/liter of each item to see if theyāre actually a better deal. Sometimes a mini-version of an item is more expensive than the full sized one. Itās all in the numbers, so use a calculator if youāre not great with math. No one will know, because youāll be working it out on your shopping list!
Some stores have items in a corner that are reduced to clear because theyāre nearing their expiry date (i.e. must be eaten within 24 hours). Not great for stocking up on, but they do make for interesting lunches, especially as theyāre often things you would never have tried at full price. There are apps for browsing these deals too. -
Write a shopping list when you shop, to make sure you get everything you need without resorting to guesswork that sometimes means buying something you already have.
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Also while at the store, they might have an area for bruised or misshapen fruit and vegetables that arenāt up to standard. Often theyāre sold at a reduced rate. Buy them up, blend them into smoothies if you have a blender or something similar (see borrowing, above), and put them in the fridge.
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If you pay insurance, research if it would be cheaper to pay monthly or yearly with your provider. Often thereās a fee on one of those two. Shop around too, providers change their rates and introductory bonuses all the time.
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Switch your TV off at the wall socket at night, it still uses power even in standby mode.
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Switch to a cheaper phone plan if youāre on one.
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Some cleaning products can be made at home, using vinegar and sodium bicarbonate (youāll find that in the baking section)
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If you need formal wear for an event, you can rent it instead of buying it
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Put on extra layers when it gets cold instead of putting your heating on. This oneās an old one but a good one. If you can bring your temperature up even a little, you might not need to switch it on as high.
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Spending with cash instead of card can make it easier to see just how much youāre spending and be less likely to impulse purchase if youāre having to physically. It also means you can drop the change into a jar, watch it build up, then cash it in at the end of the year.
I hope at least one of these helped 
itās a gradual process, but you will overcome this
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Currently I find myself stuck in a destructive mindset that has clawed itself to my entire system.
Context:
September 2024 I started at a job which turned out it wasnt my cup of tea. Since I studied for said practice for 4,5 years I was convinced this had to be my life right now, and I was pressuring myself to stay. This caused overwhelming feelings of stress and depression. It made me reconsider my career for so long (over a month) that it started to eat me up, causing more stress and gave me a panic attack at work. I took the gamble of quitting that job and changing career to what I was doing at my other parttime job. Something more rewarding and fun. I also decided to start a double course so I can get the papers for this career I want to engage in. The month after I quit the job has been nothing but organising shit regarding my return at the parttime job and setting up the course. A lot of managing, contacting people and thinking things over.
In may I was going on a vacation with my pals. I thought: finally a moment to escape the buzz and relax. Do nothing. Only to find out my pals wanted to nothing but plan things and engage in outdoor activities. Something I had little interest in and barely any energy left for. The idea of me still getting no rest during a vacation on which I hoped to find some stressed me the F out and caused another panic attack. This made me confess the whole story to my friends, and we took it slow for the rest of it.
Problem:
Now Iām working again and my mind is completely on the loose. I feel rushed most of the time. Iām constantly thinking about what has to be done next so I can relax, only to find the next task after the previous one is finished. Iām still exausthed from everything that has happened but at the same time I feel so urged to do everything on my list asap so I donāt have to think about it. This toxic mindset is draining my energy like crazy, which results in me not wanting to do stuff I used to love. I donāt want to go to parties. I do not want to make plans at all. Last week I went to the cinema with family in a spontaneous moment and I was sitting there tense from stress for half the movie, thinking about work for the next day. The idea of going to work also fucks me up. We are short staffed which leads to me doing shifts alone. This causes more pressure and rush to my job. A job I turned back to because I love it, is now turning into a burden.
My boss and collegues know about the situation. So do my friends and family. Currently Iām trying to set up a meeting with a company doctor for advice. (Advice the employer is legally required to follow). And Iām in talks with my doc to get in touch with a therapist. I also wanted to share this with you guys because I need to get this off my heart. This shit is eating me alive. Iām constantly so stressed and anxious that it takes away my joy of life at certain moments. It feels like swimming against the current, until at some point I have no energy left and give up. I do not want to lose myself to this.
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Been feeling a taaaaad stressed out for the past several days. Iāll just keep it short (sees the rest of the post below this, lmao!) and say that I took my car into the dealership to get the blower motor fixed. Even though I tried to do this myself, it got to a point where I couldnāt proceed. Maybe a local auto-garage wouldāve been fine, but apparently I didnāt even have the correct parts that I ordered back in December (thatās way past the 90 day window to return items), so Iām out $200+ dollars on those useless parts that the online store said would work with my car.
Iāll not say how much the dealership was estimating the cost to be, but that it was thousands of dollars. 
That was back on the 6th of June. I told the guy there that itād be better to email me if thereās any updates or questions, I even (thought I) verified the email address they had on file, because I work nights, and if they tried to call me theyād likely have to leave a message (that, and sometimes if it rains my internet will go off and on like a damned strobe light - so thatās another reason to not bother calling me (because I have a VoIP phone)).
The dude told me (or I could swear he told me) āweāre going to a have to order new parts, so thatāll be an extra (bla-bla) dollars.ā To which I told him thatād be fine. āTheyāll take a couple days to get hereā¦ā
So, Iām thinking, a couple days to get the parts, then maybe a day or 2 to get everything fixed and Iāll be out thousands of dollars yippy skippy! A week goes by, I check my email, even the spam folder. Nothing. Iām thinking it mightāve took a few extra days to get the parts delivered. No biggie. 2 weeks go by, still no email. Starting to get a bit worried. But surely thereās a good reason. I did verify my email that day I was up there.
June 23rd, I call the dealership to see what in the hell is up with my car. The guy I was dealing with said he tried to email me but it kept bouncing backā¦ and for some reason thought I was using a āburner phoneāā¦ An Android āburner phoneā with a messed up SIM card (wtf?!). I told him it wasnāt a burner phone (but the only way I can receive calls on it is with an internet connection via my VoIP app). THENā¦ he tells me weāll need to order a new blower motor and resistor and thatād be an extra (however) much money. I could fucking swear we had already established that Iād need new parts the first day I was there! The douchebag didnāt even bother to try to call the number for this supposed āburner phoneā! As for the email they had it was missing a single number in it (how convenientā¦ and strange because Iām seriously wondering how the wrong email address got into their system). Well, whatever.
Turns out it took 4 days for the parts to come in, and it should finally be fu 
fixed!
So, the reason Iām stressed out? Iāve been going over this whole deal in my mind constantly. Why the hell itās taking 3 weeks to fix something that should be a 1 (at best) to 4 day (at worst) job? And the amount of money theyāre charging me. Itās ridiculous! But Iāll take that as an expensive lessonā¦ Itās not like I donāt have the money for it. God! Things like thisā¦ It makes you imagine conversationsā¦ arguments one might have with the person youāre dealing with. Iām sure itās not his fault. It is the dealership after all and I guess they can ask you how much you got.
I did ask them if they did ANY WORK at all since itās been up there. They said they did do some disassembly. Sorry for the long post. If they didnāt do anything, I was going to ask to take my car back and just have some other place work on it. But since they did work on it - I must commit to paying them. Whatever.
Itās now fixed. Now I just need to get a ride up there to get my car. And who should offer me a ride? A former coworker that got fired due to drug-use and failing a hotel inspection due to her giving me vague instructions. So I kinda think she blames me for that (my fault for not being fluent in slurred speech). But Iāve already loaned her thousands of dollars, to which I was only paid less than 10% back and havenāt seen the rest of since, AND she wanted me to loan her an extra (whatever) thousands of dollars AGAIN. Yeahā¦ Not happening! Maybe she can offer to pay for this dealership job! 
Itās not bothering me like it was, but MAN! I canāt recall the last time Iāve been stressed out that much. Also, while itās still a LOT of money, itās about a 1K less than what was initially estimated. 
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You can swear on this forum.
Here is an example: You dealership fucked you over, they fucking ripped you off.
You probably should have gone to a local mechanic, dealerships should only touch your car if they are competitive or there is literally nobody who could possibly have your parts or know how to fix your car.
Plus if you have a good enough mechanic around for long enough it becomes easier to trust them with your car. I go to the same one both my parents have for years for a service even though he is across the other side of my city from me.
Man, I know hundreds of penny wise people but so rarely do I hear from someone who is so profoundly pound foolish,
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Iāll own that one.
She said sheād get a job, pay me back a $100 a month or every 2 weeks or w/e. Hell. I even cosigned a promissory note with her. Sure. I could take her to small claims court (right?), but I know Iāll very likely not get any more of what I loaned her back anyway. Iām not even charging her interest! People with felonies on their record have an exceptionally harder time finding jobs apparently. When she asked me a 2nd time I told her she had a plan that fell through and how was I to know whatever she thought she was going to do would pan out this time? Fool me onceā¦
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Smart.
I am not a lawyer. You could but like you say it just isnāt worth it. Just take it as a very expensive teachable moment with the lesson being āNeither a borrow nor a lender be.ā
Yes, very few people ever take a chance on somebody with a criminal history.
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You have nothing to feel shame for at all I know the words ring hollow when youāre in pain, but youāre right that sadness wears you down. It robs you of appetite, of progress, and of life itself. Sometimes itās the simplest and yet hardest thing in the world to simply be happy.
Your feelings are valid, and so is your pain. But none of this has to be permanent and you can use the shock of that photo to begin a change. Obviously it would be best to deal with the cause of your depression, but more sleep, good nutrition and less time ruminating will also help the process. You could make a plan on how youāre going to regain weight and rebuild your muscle, but done in a gradual way that isnāt daunting.
Itās a slow process but youāll get back to where you were again better still, youāll be stronger inside than you were before, because of the things youāve learned about yourself along the way. Youāll be more attuned to your mental health needs, and able to recognize sooner if somethingās not right. Rebuilding what took years to build is something nobody wants to do, but now youāre doing it with experience and the knowledge of how to do it better this time. I wanna say ābuild back betterā but itās a political slogan 
so Iāll say build back stronger. Inside and out
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Thatās a motivating way of putting it. I really appreciate your words. 
It would be a good idea to use that photo as incentive. And youāre right, a plan would be good to think of next.
Today, I ended up hanging out with a friend and that helped clear some of the bad headspace. Your reply meant a lot too. Honestly, thank you, @Gontranno47 . I hope you have a good rest of your week.
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Anything I can do to help Iām glad you have a support system in your friend and are taking time for yourself. Brooding can be good to process things, but so easily it can turn into hours of thinking in circles. You should give yourself permission to do some things that are mindless fun like gaming or going for walks
Definitely keep that photo as an incentive - thatās the ābeforeā photo and some day youāll take the āafterā Something that might be worth planning is weight and sleep, because you can track those numerically.
If you keep a notepad and pen next to your bed, you can write the time when you go to bed and when you wake up, and use a number out of 5 to denote the quality of sleep you got. That way you could see what works and how much sleep time you need to feel better (probably around 7-8 hours). A good way to get a baseline is to sleep without an alarm and see what time you wake up.
You could do the same with weekly weighing and taking monthly photos to track your progress.
It doesnāt seem like much, but if you put that data into a spreadsheet every month to visualise it, itāll boost your confidence so much to see how your quality of sleep and general wellbeing has significantly changed. Then, youāll look back at that original photo and see how much youāve healed.
Until then, youāve always got us to talk to if youād like, I could set myself a reminder to check in with you a month from now
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I hate everything.
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Paraphrasing @SilentWraith
Seriously though, are you alright?
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